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"Shiver Me Bitches!"

Manor. Raige reclines on a daybed in the nonexistent attic as the Dolt applies the tingly touch to the scrape on her neck. The wound itself vanishes, but its aftereffects will soon become clear. Regardless, Raige immediately leaps to her feet to join Piper at the Book for a little abuse. "Strangely," Piper notes, "there is nothing in here about pirates." The Dolt's also clueless, as "they were a little before [his] time." Raige, squinting, riffles through the pages of the Book anyway, just so Piper can smirk, "Need glasses, there, 'ma'am'?" Raige claims she's just "woozy," and announces she'll return to Not!warts for further research in the school's ancient library as pirates "are clearly not of our time." "Pirates?" Phoebe randily repeats as she horns herself into the nonexistent room from the hall. "Like, hot Johnny Depp pirates?" Piper's all "not so much," and, after trading a few barbs with Raige, promises to catch Phoebe up on the whole situation on the way to Not!warts. For some stupid reason, the Dolt's to remain at the Manor to look after the kids, despite the fact that it was he who begged the ever-useless Elders for this assignment in the first place. Phoebe, suddenly remembering that pirates aren't particularly magical, begs off on the trip to Not!warts in favor of returning to...

...All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me in order to justify Nick Lachey's continuing existence on this show. Or something like that. Long story short, she asks the paper's film critic to tell her everything he knows about pirate movies, but the critic's as stupid as everyone else on this show, so he recommends Mutiny On The Bounty. Slampiece Sparklies jumps in to correct the stupid critic's error with one of his own by calling Mutiny On The Bounty a "swashbuckler," like, no, retard, but whatever, because I already hate him so much that it just doesn't matter anymore. Sparklies reveals that he knows all about pirate movies thanks to his dad, or something, and defines "The Pirate's Oath," which I mention only because it becomes important later. Basically, if the captain swears to something and reneges on that promise, the crew has every right to mutiny. And that's about it. Sparklies leads Phoebe away to chat some more about the genre as the camera cuts over to...

...Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. Pepper's furious, as their captain apparently believes she has better things to do with her time than chase after the Manor Morons. He's just announced he's "taking them off the case," and she's throwing a royal fit about it in the Doormat's general direction. The Doormat attempts to convince her that "the Halliwells are really, really good people," but Pepper just slaps her hand down on a file that's about a foot thick and snorts, "Six years of unsolved crimes -- of all types -- all mysteriously connected to them." "I don't care what you say," she concludes, settling back into her chair and obstinately crossing her arms. "That's not 'good people.'" After a beat during which Dorian Gregory bites his lower lip and tries to look sad, Pepper snatches up the phone and plugs in a series of numbers. She's dialing the FBI lab again in the hope those Feds she so disdains can provide her with the physical evidence she needs to continue her investigation. A well-manicured set of fingers enters the frame to punch the hook switch as the camera pans up a blue-jacketed arm to arrive on Kerr "I Hate Kissing Guys, Even Though I Am Paid $50,000 An Episode To Do So" Smith's pouty little mug. "You want the Feds?" he asks rhetorically. "You got 'em." Jesus Christ, Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, hasn't aged a frigging day. In fact, I think he's regressed. Compared to the Doormat and Pepper here, he looks like he's fifteen years old. We'll get back to that later though, for after Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, flashes his badge, we're off to...

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