Chick Flick

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Owen: D | Grade It Now!
Chick Flick

Halliwell Manor. Night. Parlor. Prue "Bra Libre" Halliwell leans over the back of the sofa and frames a shot of Piper "Boo(t) Hoo Hoo" Halliwell with her camera. Piper's holding a cup of tea and wearing a mousy pink cardigan (natch) and a fretful look as she stares out the window at Gordon Manor. Prue looks at the image in the viewer of her so up-to-date digital camera and declares that she'll call the photo "Woman Pretending Not to Look Out the Window." Because, you know, if one plants a pretentious, completely self-explanatory title on a piece of work, it's instantly elevated to art. Not. Piper holds up her cup, walks over to her sister and suggests another photo, "Girl About to Pour Hot Tea Over Sister's Head." Hee. Piper appraises her image in the viewer: "Either I'm that transparent or you're that good." Way to continue to be non-committal about assessing Prue's talent, Piper! You're so crafty. Prue decides not to comment, since the "hot liquid" is over her head. Piper explains that "watching Dan come home alone" has given her "a severe case of the guilts." Then she blathers about what a "nice guy" he is. Then Prue expositions about how Piper broke up with Dan. Then Owen comes back from putting his clothes in the dryer. Piper's still moaning about Dan, and how he "got the short end of the stick." Prue: "There are so many ways that I can go with that." (Actually there's only one way, Prue, and it leads to the gutter, where I'll join you to titter over that allusion to Dan's penis size.) Piper thanks her sister for not doing so. Then Prue expositions some more about Dan being "the past" and how Piper's "future is in town tonight for dinner and a movie." Piper expositions some more about Leo and their wishes to be a normal couple. Owen returns from adding a forgotten fabric-softener sheet to the dryer. Piper heads out of the room to prepare for their date.

Cut to Prue on the sofa, and we get a full view of her ensemble: a skimpy white camisole top paired with tight psychedelic black-and-blue patterned pedal-pushers. Ew. Just then Phoebe "Matinee Idle" Halliwell enters. She's sporting a red satin jacket, baggy jeans with red patches, two and a half pounds of red lip gloss, and a messenger bag strapped across her chest. She greets Piper as "Doody." Piper calls Phoebe "Doody" also. An inexplicable in-joke, but I laughed anyway. This ep is starting off well. Can it be sustained? Phoebe plops herself down on an armchair and beams. Prue notes that she's "in a good mood. What's his name?" (Because Halliwells know their personal happiness is measured in relation to the men in their lives, natch.) Phoebe: "Billy." Prue's face falls and she wails, "Phoebe! You didn't! You saw Kill It Before It Dies at the revival house, didn't you?" Phoebe tries to LIE but finally admits that's exactly where she was. She considers it "research." Prue gapes in disbelief that a college class would involve watching B-movies. (It's called Liberal Arts, honey. Ask your barista or cab driver or MBTV Recapper. They'll tell you all about the courses that were required for their majors.) Phoebe explains that it was personal research, because she wants to "figure out what [she] wants in a guy." She adds, "So I'll start with the first guy I fell for [sic]. Billy -- the ideal man." Prue notes that he's just a character in a movie -- "a movie you weren't even supposed to watch." Phoebe: "When I was twelve! I think after a year and a half of battling monsters, I can watch a scary movie." Okay. So although she looks to be in her mid-twenties, I guess Phoebe is supposed to be thirteen and a half years old in this episode. As y'all know, the Halliwell ages fluctuate from show to show, so it's good to know where things stand tonight. Prue continues to look cross and judgmental anyway. Phoebe blathers some more about Billy being "the perfect man." The doorbell rings. Surprise! Phoebe gets off the hot seat to answer it. Prue yells, "Who is it?"

Cut to a wide shot framing Prue on the sofa in the parlor. We see a Phoebe dummy (yeah, I know, redundant much?) thrown through the air and across the foyer in the background. HA HA! Prue bolts up. A guy in a black trenchcoat, eye-circles, ponytail, and goatee stomps into the manor. He calls Phoebe "you miserable witch!" Prue gets her bitch on, quips about him "not having anything nice to say" and flings him telekinetically against the grandfather clock, smashing it to bits. Blackie mutters, "And then there were two," and books out the front door. Phoebe whines "ow" cubed. Prue asks if she's okay. Before Pheebs can answer, Prue grabs her sister and a cream-colored cardigan and they run out the door in pursuit. Phoebe is no longer wearing her messenger bag. Cut to Piper, now in a pink bathrobe, on the stairs. She ponders, "Alright, who took my loo --" She notices the carnage in the foyer. "-- fah," she completes. Piper gapes. HA HA! Again. What is going on this week?

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