Crimes And Witch-Demeanors

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Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor

Fade up on Phoebe's hideous Mini Cooper pulling to a stop on an otherwise deserted street, directly across from a power substation. Detective "Doormat" Darryl's sedan presently joins it as Phoebe and Raige emerge, bickering, with Raige wondering if Phoebe's certain they've arrived at the correct location. Phoebe insists the street is the same one from the premonition she apparently forced mere minutes earlier, and bitches at Detective Doormat hurry it up, as she has one of her Knock Me Up NOW! dates to attend downtown within the hour. And as if Phoebe could be any more annoying in this scene, she's sporting a hot pink newsboy's cap that would not be out of place upon the heads of various annoyances on a certain "talent" competition I could mention. You're thirty-one years old, hag. Leave fashion choices that tragic to the kids from now on, okay? The three idiots pedebabble towards the dank and forbidding alleyway where the "possessed" "killer" from Phoebe's forced premonition should just now be breaking into the back entrance of a pawn shop. Raige hastily exposits that the "Phantasm" infecting the perp should emerge from said perp's body to "annihilate" the Glamorous Ladies once they confront the guy. Phoebe stresses for the Doormat's benefit that just because a demon inhabits the gentleman in question, it does not follow that he's an innocent. "The Phantasm only possesses bad guys to make them worse," she explains before perking, "Okay, shall we?" and barreling out of the frame. Detective Doormat lingers behind long enough to ask, "She really wants this demon, doesn't she?" "No," Raige ices, irritated. "She really wants her date." She clomps after her slutty sister as Detective Doormat purses his lips and pouts.

Cut to the dank and forbidding alleyway. Phoebe and Raige have already positioned themselves behind a Dumpster, where Detective Doormat joins them to spy on the demonically possessed perp at the far end of the alley as he attempts to pry open the security bars on the pawn shop's back window. After a brief conference with the gals, the Doormat advances a couple of yards, aims his automatic, and shouts, "Freeze! Police!" The demonically possessed perp spins around to confront the Doormat, looking insane. Despite Raige's frantic whispers that Phoebe remain hidden until the Doormat has things under control, Phoebe tiptoes out behind the Doormat and manages to be in the perfect spot to knock him to the ground when the demonically possessed perp whips out an automatic of his own and squeezes off a couple of shots. The Doormat bounds back up onto one knee and whacks the perp with a couple of rounds of his own. At Raige's prompting, Phoebe hurls a potion vial onto the dying criminal's back. The soon-to-be corpse flares greenish white, and this Phantasm thing we've heard so much about floats out of the guy's back in an ectoplasmic blob that rises high above the alley floor to morph into the shrouded figure of a screeching, twenty-foot-high female ghost. "Mother of God," the Doormat mutters, somehow still maintaining an ability to be shocked by things like this even after five and a half goddamned years of hanging around the Manor Morons. Raige yanks a wand not unlike that used by last season's Doc Diddy and points it in the apparition's direction. The wand spits out a stream of energy that ensnares the keening banshee in the air, gradually sucking the Phantasm's form into the wand itself. Very Ghostbusters of them, but all in all a pretty good effects sequence there. The Doormat approaches the ladies to thank them for saving his life. You stupid man. They're the ones who put it at risk in the first place. Why are you still talking to them? Oh, yeah. Your new nickname compels you to. In any event, Phoebe yammers something about vanquishing evil while saving the innocent and whatnot, before shouting out a hello to The Dazzling Sheila and bolting from the alley for her date with Raige in tow. Detective Doormat attempts to crack a joke, but it sucks, so I'll be moving on to the next paragraph.

Out on the street, Raige spots a car she doesn't remember seeing earlier and wonders if they should be worried about it. Not pausing to break her stride, Phoebe orders Raige to relax. "You act like we've never done this before," she pffts, heading out of the frame. Raige soon vanishes as well, leaving the camera alone to track over a bit to the new car before cutting the rest of the distance and panning along the driver's side. A woman who'd been reclining in the front seat pops back up, ensures the gals have vanished from the scene, and hits play on her tiny, handheld digital recorder. We see the shooting and the vanquish play itself out on the recorder's screen, shot from this woman's perspective. She punches the pause button just as Raige's wand starts in with the Phantasm sucking, smirks, and smugs, "Gotcha!" as we shriek into the opening credits.

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