Death Becomes Them

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
Tim Whoooooo? Inspector Whaaaaaa?

...Hell. I think. Deep within some sort of demonic ossuary, John Kassir strokes a bone before wandering over to the camera, and too close! Back away! Back away now! Dude! Why couldn't they have cast Colin Egglesfield in this role, and had John Kassir be the one to bite it in the pre-credits sequence? Charmed hates me. Especially because the last time I saw John Kassir, he was sporting a harness and a pair of assless chaps while Kristen Bell rode him like a pneumatic, rubber-clad jockey. Not a pleasant mental image, I can assure you. Eccch. In any event, as Kassir's best known as the voice of the Crypt Keeper, and as his character never receives a name during this evening's festivities, and as we are now, you know, in an actual crypt, I shall be calling him "Corpse Fucker" for the remainder of the recap. You can thank me later. Zankou soon enough blazes into the chamber to pretty things up considerably. Thanks, Zankou! "Where's the body?" Corpse Fucker demands. "Why didn't you bring it?" "Patience, my old friend!" Zankou croons as he strides across the chamber floor to greet Corpse Fucker with a genial grin. "Have I ever failed to deliver on a promise?" he asks rhetorically. "I don't know," Corpse Fucker huffily sniffs as he crosses to Zankou's side. "It's been an eternity since we worked together." The two boys rather adorably reminisce about the Crusades and the September Massacre for a bit before getting down to business. Corpse Fucker wants to "get on with it already," but Zankou insists rather forcefully, "No!" "It's taken me months to get this far," he exposits. "I'm not going to blow it all now by moving too quickly." Corpse Fucker easily justifies his nickname when he apologetically simpers, "You gotta understand -- when the dead are involved, I get a little...excited." I should be sickened and repulsed by that, I know, but you have to realize I'm actually far more surprised that it's taken this shitty show seven years to dabble in necrophilia. God knows there's little else left for them to exploit at this point. And yet, we have another year of this garbage to look forward to, don't we? Sigh.

In any event, Zankou, after chiding Corpse Fucker for the latter's lack of ambition, or something, eventually details a bit of his masterful plan for the evening. He's "studied the sisters" for the better part of a season, you see, and with the knowledge he's gained, he now intends to "shake them to their core" and "make them more vulnerable than they've ever been." "So that's why you had Phoebe's friend killed!" Corpse Fucker realizes, because killing someone Phoebe's known for less than two weeks -- while she was thoughtlessly exploiting him as slave labor to fix her car -- is certain to leave her more vulnerable than she's ever been in her life. "Seemed a little petty of you," Corpse Fucker adds, ignoring me completely and more amused than anything else, "[but] do you really think that's enough to make them vulnerable?" No, you sick twist. See above. And shut up while you're at it. "Of course not," Zankou pffts, though for different reasons. "If I'm going to get what I'm after," he admits as the camera tracks in towards his face, in the process mercifully reducing Corpse Fucker to a visually incoherent blur in the background, "I'm going to have to attack them all -- not as witches, but as women." Some terribly ominous strings thrum on the soundtrack as the shot lingers on Hot Zankou for a long moment before cutting up to...

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