Currently on Charmed, the most tedious, pointless, and generally stupid pre-credits sequence I have ever had the misfortune to endure on this show, and yes, that includes the KQSF BEACH BASH!! and no, I'm not saying that just because it features no one aside from The Retarded Bimbo and the Dolt. It's because the entire minute and a half is devoted to the dim Dolt lecturing The Retarded Bimbo on the origins of Not!warts -- which no one has ever cared about or ever will care about, EVER -- while The Retarded Bimbo ignores him completely to focus on telekinetically whipping around a set of nunchucks until she sends them crashing through the nonexistent attic's front window, presumably to decapitate some hapless passerby on the sidewalk below. Seriously. That's it. And they renewed this crap...why, exactly?
Back from the credits, we fade up and linger on the Manor façade for the briefest of moments before heading indoors towards the dining room, where we find the table littered with various astronomy texts and photos of Vex Pexter. Yes, "astronomy texts," for Phoebe is such an idiot, she mistakes the actual, honest-to-God science of astronomy for that astrological bullshit in which these ladies are supposedly so well-versed. The camera slides past all of that junk to land on Piper, who's seated in front of a rather large and fairly old sewing machine, attempting to stitch together several yards of gold lamé fabric in a manner suspiciously reminiscent of first-season Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives. Much like first-season Lynette -- pre-Ritalin, of course -- Piper's failing miserably. And in a preemptive strike, I'm going to paraphrase Jessica's fabulous recap of that episode and note that if, during the course of the evening, it sounds like I'm skimming over Piper's plotline, guess what? I am. It's boring. If I wanted to watch PTA drama, I would join the PTA. This interests me only if Piper's entire PTA somehow winds up nailed to the ceiling of the school's auditorium with bloody, foot-wide gashes gaping across their torsos before collectively bursting into flame. And if Phoebe and The Retarded Bimbo join them up there? So much the better.