Desperate Housewitches

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Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Desperate Crackmonkeys

Anyway, Piper sits back down to futz with the mini-Sgt.-Pepper's uniform she's concocting for her murderous sociopath of an elder son as Raige babbles in the background about Vex Pexter and how unsuitable a choice he is for the role of Phoebe's semen provider. He's "a player," you see, and even Phoebe's own paper regularly includes gossipy items about his latest conquests, or some such nonsense. Before Piper can properly reply to all of this, however, a bubbly Phoebe jiggles in from the kitchen to blurt, "Did you hear the good news?" "Lemme guess," Raige replies with an overly sarcastic brightness that Phoebe's far too self-centered and stupid to notice, "[Vex] is the one?" "Yep!" the oblivious Feebs perks; referring to the various charts and books scattered about on the dining room table, she continues, "According to every magical calculation there is!" "Not only that," Phoebe adds, manically gesticulating for emphasis, "but it all times out purrrrr-fectly -- you know, my vision of us getting married, when I'm supposed to get pregnant, all of it!" I'm going to ignore her stupid marriage premonition to attack the second part of that thusly: No, dipshit, it does not time out perfectly with when you're supposed to get pregnant -- at least, not if you're basing everything on your assy Vision Quest at Not!warts, for as you'll recall, you birdbrained hag, your nephews were about eight and ten years old, so you're not due for another seven goddamned years, and shut up, Phoebe. And Phoebe's loudly ticking biological clock can go straight to Hell with everybody and everything else responsible for this ungodly mess, too. Blech. In any event, Raige threatens to get snotty, so Piper hastily changes the topic by hoisting the jacket of the Psycho's costume into the air, in the process somehow managing to change scenes entirely as we find ourselves...

...schlepped over to the Psycho's preschool, where Piper's demon child angrily bats that same lamé jacket out of his mother's hands as she attempts to wrestle him into it. The shot cuts to take in a disapproving Michelle Stafford of daytime television's The Young And The Restless. Michelle Stafford, as we shall presently learn, will be playing both Bree Van De Kamp and Maisy Gibbons to Piper's Lynette Scavo for the Desperate Housewives portion of tonight's festivities, and between you, me, and that hideous checkered thing she's calling a skirt, Michelle Stafford will not be collecting her third Emmy award for this evening's performance. Just a hunch. After eyeing Piper tussling with the Psycho for a bit, Michelle Stafford crosses to condescend. Piper's glamoured self must find it terribly difficult to raise a child not her own, mustn't she? And look at that! Piper's thoughtless glamoured self has left a straight pin in the Psycho's lamé jacket! No wonder he didn't want to put itzzzzzzzzzzz. And with that, Michelle Stafford spirits the Psycho away, supposedly to rehearse the latter's role in the gathered rugrats' impending presentation of Cinderella. Piper, thoroughly deflated by the entire experience, heaves a beleaguered sigh as the camera cuts to Michelle Stafford leading the Psycho through the preschool's rear exit towards the alleyway beyond. She presses the Psycho's dead-eyed head close to that hideous checkered thing she's calling a skirt as she raises the lamé jacket into the air to toss the fugly thing out onto the pavement. Just as she releases it, though, the fabric bursts into flames, and it vanishes in a puff of smoke long before it hits the ground. "Our little secret -- shhhh!" Michelle whispers to Piper's brat as streaming veins of demonic mojo worm their way around beneath the skin on her face. The lines gather at her eyes, which flip beetle-black for the briefest of moments before Michelle regains her composure and, smiling to herself, smoothes her hair. Lord, this is dull. The angry strings and anxiously throbbing drums that suddenly assault the soundtrack would have us believe otherwise, however, as the shot cuts abruptly to an aerial that races above the fog-shrouded city before the camera lands on...

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