Desperate Housewitches

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Desperate Crackmonkeys

Not!warts, where Michelle Stafford still lies unconscious on the floor, and wouldn't this supposed Supermom's family have noticed that she's been missing for the last fifteen goddamned hours? Jesus Christ, this show sucks. And it gets even worse when Fiendish Elizabeth Greer steps over Michelle Stafford's body to consult with her greasily poofy primary henchdemon regarding tonight's Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination. Fiendish Elizabeth intends, you see, to conjure some previously vanquished entity from The Waste Land, which is impossible, because as we saw three years ago, demons who hit that particular stretch of contrivance are permanently destroyed. Even more asinine? The vanquished demon in question is The Source, and no. NO. Especially because the version of The Source to which she refers is the one eventually portrayed by Peter Woodward, whose Sourcy entitlements were passed first to Cole, then to D'Eartha and the purloined Phoetus before those entitlements ended up splattering all over the sandy floor of The Waste Land, where they were then gobbled up by that worm thing before Cole got rid of it. And so, between the wholesale thievery of a year-old plot from Desperate Housewives, Phoebe's ongoing quest to get herself knocked up, Raige's stupid little Vex-related subplot, and this continuity-slaughtering nightmare, this entire episode has become absolutely worthless. And I've still got more than a half an hour to go. Joy. I suppose I should note, however, the Psycho's role in all of this: Fiendish Elizabeth, not knowing the Charmed Ones still exist, believes she can lure the dead-eyed sociopath away from his supposed guardians and create, with the resurrected Source, a new family for the brat -- one in which he will, of course, grow up to become the most powerful force of evil ever. And we've been through that goddamned plotline about eight or nine times before on this stupid, evil, awful show, and that's not even counting the entire sixth season. Christ. In any event, Fiendish Elizabeth, deploying a bit of her dark demonic mojo, reduces herself to a red-and-black smear that shoots across the room into Michelle Stafford's body. Michelle Stafford snaps open her briefly beetle-black eyes before drawing herself up into sitting position and purring something menacing as we cut over to...

...Raige's annoying subplot, already in progress. She's somehow managed to stalk Vex's gal-pal "Sylvia" back to that outdoor café from earlier and contrives to introduce herself, pretending to have met Sylvia before at one of Vex Pexter's parties. Long story short, Sylvia's an art dealer who used to date Vex a while back, but they "broke up months ago." This comforts Raige until Sylvia lets slip that she and Vex remain fuck buddies, which seems like an awful lot of information to be sharing with someone you barely know, but I gave up on this trash episode five minutes ago, so screw it. Sylvia takes her leave as Raige stumbles across a yet another cunning plan, or something.

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