Charmed
Engaged And Confused

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 1 USERS: C
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Engaged And Confused

Sometime later, we find ourselves down in the dining room, where The Dead-Eyed Psycho's silently and telekinetically peppering the moist interior of Raige's wedding cake with ground glass. When Darling Henry approaches, however, The Psycho pretends he was just surreptitiously swiping a little icing. Wicked child. Eventually, Darling Henry leads The Dead-Eyed Ringbearer onto the sun porch, where about thirty people we've never seen before and shall never see again await the start of the ceremony. Chrissssty and The Retard are the last of the guests to take their seats, which they do just before Piper and Phoebe gracelessly clomp through the room to park themselves next to the female Episcopal minister conducting the service, despite the fact that Raige is Catholic. La, la, la, la! Moving along! Incidentally, Piper's dumped Tiny Gay Chris onto The Retard's lap for the proceedings, and Coop's invited himself, because he loves weddings. Just so you know. Rose McGowan eventually appears on the stairs in what I've read is a vintage wedding gown they pulled from a Los Angeles area costume supplier's at her insistence (and NOT because they no longer have the costuming budget to sling these women in Vera Wang whenever the occasion calls for it, so SHUT UP YOU HATAHS), and good call on McGowan's part if that's true, because this antique ivory lace construction combined with -- let's face it -- her striking good looks easily make her the loveliest bride I've seen on this show in the last seven and a half years. Raige makes her way through the center parlor and down the tiny aisle on the sun porch. After Darling Henry marvels at how beautiful she is, the ceremony begins.

And that ceremony? Is a two-minute-long glamour-shot montage of each and every regular cast member, including the terrifyingly Dead-Eyed Psycho and Tiny Gay Chris. The minister's words fade in and out so we catch only the briefest of excerpts, most anviliciously when she remarks that "the trick is learning to receive this love with as much understanding as you can give it" just as the montage lands on Coop, before shifting back again to Phoebe for what has to be the eighth time in the sequence. Raige and Henry take the more-or-less traditional route when it comes to the vows, promising simply to "honor, love, and cherish" each other "through all the seasons of life," so no barf-inducing soul-mate crap this time around, and thank God for small mercies, I suppose, because this fucking thing is endless. At long last, the minister announces, "You may now kiss the bride," and Henry does, and everyone present rises into a standing ovation, and the shot pans down the aisle away from the beaming bridal party as we finally fade to black.

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Charmed

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