Charmed
Engaged And Confused

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Demian: C | 1 USERS: C
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Engaged And Confused

Previously on CANCELLED!, it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss taken; Piper counseled patience in The Lisssspy Bimbo's dealings with her recently rescued sister; The Angel Of Teasley warned, "There's one more battle on the horizon for you three, one unlike you've ever faced before, one you won't see coming, and one you may not survive"; Darling Henry proposed to Raige atop the Golden Gate Bridge, and Raige accepted; The Lisssspy Bimbo gave Milk Carton Chrissssty a pep talk regarding her powers right before Chrissssty quite awesomely set the Bimbo on fire; Piper ranted about Chrissssty being the "key," which Phoebe thought might be a good thing; and The Zombie Triad rose from the dead to gloat and whatnot at Not!warts. Also, Phoebe's faith in true love was refreshed once every fifth episode since the series premiere, but they don't really want any of us to remember those particular installments.

We fade up on a heart-shaped chocolate cake in the Manor kitchen before panning up to take in Pack Mule Piper, slaving away to prepare the food for Raige's engagement party while bitching to Phoebe about it the entire time via the cordless. A quick cut of the camera zaps us over to The Hagquarters, where Phoebe's ransacking her closet to find something that will fit Chrissssty, who teeters in the background of the shot clad in nothing more than a set of silky pink undergarments and a pair of high heels. The Retarded Bimbo's there, too, flapping her arms around in the most useless manner imaginable, but I'll be ignoring her until she says something of importance, which means I might well be ignoring her for the rest of the show's run, because did I mention? CANCELLED! I love you, Dawn Ostroff! Marry me! In any event, as the two Ps continue to natter and bitch at one another, Piper scoops a set of plates up from the kitchen counter and sweeps into the dining room with them, the better for us to note the enormous heart-shaped floral centerpiece adorned with a golden ribbon that reads "Paige and Henry." I'm guessing this is one of the weeks when P3 is in the black, because God knows Raige is still a worthless layabout and therefore unlikely to be paying for any of this herself, and I really doubt Phoebe's still contributing to the Manor's general fund now that she's got her very own special condominium, but whatever. Phoebe's a hag, and this show is CANCELLED! Hooray! Mention is made of Piper's hard, icy Doltsicle before Piper herself vows, "Someone in this family is going to have a normal, happy wedding engagement -- party and all," and there's that word. I hate that word. Oh, hell, what am I talking about? I hate this show, period, and therefore I hate every single word on it including "and" and "the," so let's keep this moving, shall we? Referring to her hopes for a successful soiree, Piper inquires of the Feebs, "How's the [Chrissssty] project going?" "Really well!" Phoebe enthuses. "This morning we mastered the art of walking in high heels, and now we're just picking out an outfit, and we're gonna go on a little test run to a café -- see how it goes!" Piper mutters her approval because, as she puts it, "demons attacking at the party, [she] can handle, but [Chrissssty] eating with her hands?" Not so much. Phoebe promises Chrissssty will be "totally, totally ready" by the following evening just as Chrissssty, still tottering in her heels, loses her balance completely while pulling one of Phoebe's skimpy hand-me-downs over her head and crashes loudly to the floor. Phoebe grimaces as Piper demands, "What happened?"

Apparently, what happened is that some dark demonic force who shall remain anonymous managed to squiggle into a random Underworld lair in mid-vanquish, for that's what the shot cuts to in answer to Piper's question. No, it doesn't make sense. Of course it doesn't make sense. This is Charmed. What the hell were you expecting by this point? The blazing demon drops to the dirt and shrieks for a bit before vanishing in an all-consuming ball of flame. The camera jerkily shudders from the floor to take in the vanquish's two witnesses: Leon from Deadwood, and a shorter gentleman with a receding hairline and vaguely British inflections to his speech. "I suppose letting him escape half-alive was meant to send a message," muses Leon, who's toting a goblet for whatever reason. "Yes," the hench-imp anxiously agrees, "that it's suicide to go up against The Triad!" As the two turn to amble back into the lair proper, the hench-imp continues, "We can't afford to lose anymore demons, Xar!" "Xar"? Okay. We'll go with that. Even though "Leon" is much easier to type. You bastards. The hench-imp rather frantically suggests that Xar and his minions retreat even further into the Underworld, but to this idea, Xar simply snorts, "If The Triad gets The Ultimate Power, nowhere will be safe." The hench-imp frets that, now that The Zombie Triad's taken up residence in Not!warts, no one is strong enough to thwart them. Xar gets a twinkle in his eye as he replies, "The Charmed Ones might be." "Perhaps," he continues, turning his head slightly to stare his directly at his hench-imp, "we can get them to destroy The Triad for us." The hench-imp gets all shifty as his eyes bounce around the room while Zar (and that's the fifth time in a row I've typed it like that, so fuck it -- whatever comes out of the keyboard from now on stays that way on the page) smirks us into the opening credits.

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Charmed

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