Ex Libris

Episode Report Card
Owen: D | Grade It Now!
Ex Libris

Pawnshop. The owner sees a flier that's been slipped under the door and throws it in the trash. Then he puts the "OPEN" sign out and turns on the lights. Just then, Casper Blonde walks through (literally) the door, and gets her bitch on. She turns the locks, and flips the sign to "CLOSED." Then she starts strumming a guitar for some specialized Jewel-type torture, so the freaked-out Pawnshop Guy shoots at the floating instrument. Then CB types out Trenchcoat Man's daughter's name on a type writer. As he loses it, CB pushes PG down to the floor and stuffs the flier in his mouth. She moans, "I'm the woman you murdered!" (Which, incidentally is a big ol' lie.) PG doesn't realize this, though, and jumps through the glass of the door onto the sidewalk in slow motion. CB threatens to haunt him "every minute" of the rest of his life until he confesses. Just as the Halliwells strut up in overcoats (in May, in California), PG shouts, "I killed her! I killed Trenchcoat Man's daughter!" Darryl walks up. Prue, in her "Buffy on patrol"-ish ensemble of watchman's cap, pigtails and faux-leopard print coat, asks Darryl if he "got that." He did. PG is arrested and carried off. Trenchcoat Man snarls at him, "I hope you rot in hell." PG wonders aloud, "What is this?" Phoebe: "Justice." Piper: "What's the matter? Seen a ghost?" Owen: "Hey, docile Ps, lay off him: that's a pretty viable inquiry about any plot development on this series." Darryl walks up to the Ps and asks what "this" has to do with Blonde's murder. Prue: "It's a contriva -- er, cosmic thing, don't worry about it." Darryl walks away. Trenchcoat Man thanks the Halliwells effusively. He walks away, past the apparition of Casper Blonde. CB: "Even if I couldn't please my own father, at least I pleased someone else's." Prue: "I know what you mean." The Ps' thoughts join together telepathically, screaming "NOW THANK US, NOW THANK US, NOW THANK US." But a heavenly choir starts up, and Casper Blonde disappears in a golden light without saying thanks or goodbye or anything. Wench! She'll get hers.

P3AD. They've brought out the shot of crowds streaming into the nightclub again, because I guess a lot of people want to slow down and catch the train-wreck that is this career-ending appearance of the Goo Goo Dolls at this lame-ass club. Cut to the lead singer of the GGD, still looking like he cut his own hair with a razorblade during a windstorm, who's blathering this inane song that seems to have only one lyric, "Broadway's dark tonight," repeated ad nauseam. Extras writhe around, pleased to earn some cash and enjoy the air-conditioning. Speaking of cold air on "High," Phoebe enters the club and jiggles up the hard Ps in a blue sausage-casing dress that shows off her, ahem, high beams. She breaks the news that she "aced" her final. But her experience with Casper Blonde helped her gain some "perspective" on what's important in life. She holds up Pére Halliwell's Hallmark card and tells Piper that she signed it, "just in case he thinks of us too." Piper hands the card to Prue. To her credit, Prue still refuses to sign it, explaining that PH will probably never be the same type of father as Trenchcoat Man; she realizes Pére Halliwell isn't "eventually going to change." Phoebe pets Prue's head in sympathy. Piper spots Leo walking into the club and excuses herself to greet him, going the long way around Phoebe's front side so as not to get impaled on her nipples. She wonders how he got past the bouncer, since he probably couldn't afford the cover on White Lighter pay. He explains that he didn't tell the doorman that he wasn't employed at the club anymore. Piper: "Like you sort of didn't tell me you were married?" Leo gapes, and explains that it blah blah another lifetime yada yada not upset her blather. Piper: "You can't not tell me stuff because you think it might hurt. You need to be honest, in order for us to have as normal-as-possible of a relationship." I could've done without the double negative, but WORD, Piper. Will Piper forgive him? Piper tells Leo she'll "think about it." They smile at each other. Then the last twenty-three minutes of the show consist of many canted angles of the Goo Goo Dolls playing, many choruses of the lyric "Broadway's dark tonight," and Owen curled in a fetal position around the toilet with a moist washcloth in his hand. The final shot is the patented framing of all three Charmed actresses lined up in front of the WB Records Spotlight Artist of the Week, attempting to give their seal of approval by getting their groove on. Owen rouses himself long enough to see Shannen bang her head around a little, causing enough heaving and lurching to send him away from the TV set again. End.

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