Charmed
Exit Strategy

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Exit Strategery

Over at the passport agency, which we know is the passport agency because of the large sign that screams “PASSPORT AGENCY” above a row of government functionaries, Piper and the Dolt impatiently wait on line to submit his fraudulent application. Well, Piper waits impatiently. The Dolt busies himself completing the form. He wonders aloud if he should write in “Whitelighter” as his occupation, or if “Guardian Angel” would be more accurate. Upon hearing this, the matronly battleaxe waiting in front of them turns to glare. Mind your own business, matronly battleaxe. Back and forth bickering between Piper and the Dolt. He thinks it’s “wrong” of them to be applying for a passport for a corpse. She just wants to have “a normal life,” and will do anything to get one. I wanted this argument and all of its many tedious variations to end nineteen episodes ago. Find something new to fight about, or shut the hell up. Piper reminds the Dolt that their intended crime in this case is victimless, and orders him to roll his objections up real tight and cram them, as it’s all giving her a migraine. The line moves forward a bit, which momentarily placates the harridan wedded to the corpse. Just then, The Powers That Be ring the Dolt’s bell. “Uh oh,” he warily intones. Piper loses it. She bitches that under no circumstances is the Dolt to leave the passport office. He has to, he pleads. No, he doesn’t, she insists, reminding him they’ve been waiting on line “for two and a half freaking hours.” To emphasize this point, she gesticulates forcefully at the clock on the wall. The clock explodes, showering the waiting area with shards of plastic and glass. Piper glances around nervously as she draws her hand back to her body. “Um, uh oh.” Snerk.

Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Ian squiggles in, looking for the blonde. He finds her cowering in a corner. Hey, Blondie -- did the peroxide fumes from your home dye job kill a few million of your brain cells? A demon invades your place of employment to steal a powerful amulet and nearly strangles you in the process. What the hell are you still doing there? Get. Away. From. The Gift Shoppe. Stupid goddamn tertiary characters. They all deserve what they get. Which in this instance is the Flaming Ball Of Death Ian hurls into the blonde. After he pauses to exposit that the Colethazor will be blamed for the blonde’s death, of course. The screaming blonde disappears into a wall of fire, which actually takes a little while to consume her. Ian smiles. Ian should have a long, drooping mustache for the purposes of nefarious twiddling at such moments. It could only help his performance. Commercial.

Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Prue flings the door open with a little TK and enters with Phoebe. It’s called a doorknob, Prue. Save the telekinesis for crisis situations, would you? Thanks. Show-off. The two look for signs of the blonde. Phoebe wonders if their earlier scrying led to the wrong woman. Prue spots the scorch marks from the FBOD and guesses they got the right witch, just not in time to save her. Phoebe panics a bit. Cole had promised her the witch wouldn’t be harmed. Prue reassures Phoebe that, “for what it’s worth,” she believes Cole kept to his promise. She then asks Phoebe if anyone else could be responsible for the death of the blonde. Yeah, hi. Any single member of that passel of demons you saw at the Intersection That Doesn’t Exist last week could have done it, Prue. Speaking of which, what happened to Kappa Kappa Klea? I grew inordinately fond of those Cheshire eyes of hers. Anyway, Phoebe tells Prue of Cole’s “mentor,” Ian. If Ian killed the blonde, it would be proof that he’s uncovered Cole’s deception. The Ps have to get Cole away from the Bi Kraps immediately. Prue agrees, but before the two can discuss this further, the Dolt orbs in behind them. TPTB sent him over because of the purloined amulet. They also apparently charged him with back-story duty on the amulet in question. Briefly: it’s one half of “an ancient charm.” If the two halves are merged, the resulting protective power would be unimaginably strong. Whoever held the charm would become “invincible.” It was divided at some point in the past, and each part was placed in the care of a local coven. Not even TPTB know who possesses the other half. Phoebe supposes the Bi Kraps want to retrieve both halves to benefit from the combined protection the charm would offer. The Dolt tells her she’s wrong. The Bi Kraps must want the amulets only to destroy them, as evil cannot benefit from the charm’s power.

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Charmed

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