FHM Interview With Alyssa Milano

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
FHM Hates Me
This time around, I actually page through the issue before attacking the Milano interview. My better instincts scream at me for a while, then stop shouting to light a round of cigarettes and, in protest, switch to Gone With the Wind on Turner Classic Movies to wait for my apology. Long before Vivien Leigh can pout out, "War, war, war -- this war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this spring" to the Tarleton twins, my better instincts have received that apology. In spades. The Good, if it can be called that, consists of the following bit from a brief chat with Sasha Alexander: "A role on the short-lived ABC series Wasteland [led to] her current endeavor: pretending not to be distracted by James Van Der Beek's massive forehead on Dawson's Creek." There can never be enough James Van Der Beek jokes, people, derivative though they may be. ["Yeah, really. Where's my check?" -- Sars] Moving on to The Unnecessary: learning that the nurse on the cover of Blink-182's Enema of the State CD is Janine Lindemulder, "one of Vivid Video's featured girls [who] deep-throated a 12-inch kielbasa for Howard Stern." Finally, The Truly, Truly Awful (as in, "Bad enough to make me travel to New York City to shove several rolled-up copies of this piece-of-shit magazine up Editor-in-chief Ed Needham's worthless white ass"): a side-bar of various infants-in-peril statistics with a subheader that reads, "When the Beaver was growing up, Mr. Cleaver's biggest parental worry was whether the poor kid was queer or just extra tidy. These days, there's a whole slew of new problems." I spend several minutes abasing myself before my better instincts, assuring them I will never ignore them again. They turn their attention back to Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDaniel, knowing I've lied to them before. I turn to the interview proper, the first page of which is accompanied by a photo of another pose in the same scraps of lamé fabric as the cover. I note that while for the cover shot they took pains to airbrush out the panty liner Alyssa so obviously was wearing during the shoot to prevent camel toes, they chose not to do the same for the interior, um, spread. Oh, shut up. The nipples protruding through the lamé top have been left as originally photographed in both poses. The interview itself is entitled "Heat Treatment," and I notice that, rather than burdening Milano with FHM Senior Editor Tony Romando or another of his equally immature frat-boy colleagues on the masthead, the interview is conducted by magazine contributor Bridget Freer. For some reason, I'm not as frightened as I was when I first bought this piece of trash. Then I read the opening line. "'I do topless gardening!' exclaims Alyssa Milano. 'I do, I do that,' she reasserts, leaning forward." Freer tells us she has no problem believing this claim, as Milano "is practically giving a topless interview." Things start looking up, as Freer starts talking fashion. Milano "is wearing an eye-poppingly tight, black velvet bodice, on top of which her breasts are perched like two plump peaches on a shelf." Ah, the scary boob tray (tm jenni) from "Power Outage," though Freer is making it sound more like a scary boob platter. Freer explains that the interview is being conducted between takes on the set of Charmed, in Milano's trailer, "which she was allowed to decorate to her own taste when she joined the cast." Milano asserts her private space is known as "the frat-house trailer" (God, not like that. What is wrong with you people?), but Freer isn't buying that, noting "the chenille pillows, folksy throws and billowing incense sticks are more reminiscent of a fortune-teller's hideaway than a smelly student's bedroom." I hope that isn't her idea of a compliment. If it is, Alyssa needs to head to New York to kick Bridget's ass.

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