...about five feet from where they'd been sitting. D'oh! Also, riddle me this: How did they start this leg of the journey seated on the wicker sun porch furniture with Piper on the Dolt's right and Patty on his left, only to end up standing in the middle of the sun porch floor with Piper and Patty's positions reversed? Oh, fuck it. CANCELLED! The three dart their eyes around the room for a bit before Patty hesitantly opines, "I think we're back in my time, now." The conversation they stumble upon in the main parlor quickly proves that supposition wrong, though. Our three intrepid adventurers tiptoe over to hide themselves behind the doorframe separating the porch from the rest of the first floor and eavesdrop as Grams -- hi, Grams! -- tells a sniffling Preadolescent Piper, "You're more than okay, sweetie. You're very, very special, and you need to know that." "I'm not as special as Prue," Preadolescent Piper, a martyr even at that tender age, protests. "Or even Phoebe," she continues, whining a bit. "Everyone likes Phoebe." I think my head just exploded. Do I tell Preadolescent Piper that she needs to realize that everyone likes Phoebe because Phoebe's easy, or do I direct Preadolescent Piper's attention to the forum boards, where hardly anyone likes Phoebe at all, especially because Phoebe's easy? Decisions, decisions. Decisions that I don't have to make, actually, because CANCELLED! "But you're special in your own way, Piper," Grams assures her, and you know I love Grams and everything, but do I really have to transcribe the tongue bath she proceeds to give Preadolescent Piper's ego? Didn't think so. Besides, why bother with that when I can point and laugh at the horrendous auburn wig they've saddled poor Jennifer Rhodes with for this evening's festivities? I realize they're trying to make her look Grams's supposed age in this scene, which should be about fifty, but Jennifer Rhodes -- fabulous though she is -- has gotten a little too jowly over the last few years to pull that one off, so the unsettling, unnaturally colored tangle of hair's just making her look like Bea Arthur as Sarah Jessica Parker in that Sex And The City parody from TV Land that I keep seeing at Sidetrack. (Abe Vigoda's Mr. Big. It's gruesome.) Anyway, Grams eventually shoos Preadolescent Piper upstairs, then rises from the parlor sofa with a start when she realizes intruders are lurking on the sun porch. "Who's there?" Grams barks. Before Piper can stop her, Patty smiles, "It's okay, Mom -- it's just me." "Patty?" Grams yelps before rolling her eyes into the back of her head and dropping to the floor in a dead faint as the soundtrack quite literally goes, "Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaaaah." Patty gasps and races to her unconscious mother's side. "Why'd she faint?" she demands of her daughter. "Probably because you're dead," Piper snorts. Ah, Piper. Always with the tact. Patty tosses her overly glossed lips around in shock.
Not!warts, and WE DID NOT MISS YOU STUPID PEOPLE AT ALL. Long story short, Fugly Rufus guides Maggot Neck through a meditation ritual so The Ultimate Retard might project herself into the past to reconnect with...The Zombie Triad! Muah-ha-ha-zzzzzzzzzzzz. Bimbo Girl issss sssshocked and appalled. NO ONE CARES, RETARD. Next!