Forever Charmed

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 12 USERS: B+

Back in 1982, Patty tends to the still-woozy Grams in the parlor while Piper and the Dolt chat about recent events out in the hall. Piper notes the Dolt's suddenly fretful disposition, and wonders what gives. The Dolt reveals that he's certain that, should all go as planned, it'll mean The Ultimate Battle will once more have yet to be fought, and that means it's extremely likely The Angel Of Teasley will cascade back into the Manor to whisk him once more up to her great big Sub-Zero in the sky. Piper announces that they'll fall off that bridge when they get to it. In the meantime, they've got a recovering Grams to deal with. "What happened?" she snaps upon waking. "It's okay -- you just fainted," Patty assures her. "Well, of course I fainted!" Grams peeves. "You're dead!" Hee. Grams then gives Continuity a swift uppercut to the jaw when she wonders who Piper is. Oh, Grams. Why you gotta be as stoopid as everyone else on this godforsaken show? You know who Piper is because you met her on March 24, 1975. Grams slowly absorbs the information she should have already known and takes a moment before announcing, "I need a drink." You and me both. Oy. And Grams does my failing liver no favors when she goes on to greet, with unseemly amounts of surprise and delight, Patty's news that the preadolescent trio of Ps currently plaguing the 1982 Manor goes on to become the Charmed Ones. Grams. YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY. To her credit, though, once she realizes her granddaughters are in danger, she wastes not a moment to leap to her feet all-business, demanding, "What do we have to do to save them?"

Not!warts and NOT CARING. The Ultimate Retard, crossssssss-legged on the floor of the Library, hisssssssssessss, "Chrissssty! Chrissssty! Chrissssty!" Get this: That last "Chrissssty!" proceeds to echo and overlap on the soundtrack, so all I'm hearing is "SSSssssssSSSSssssssSSSSSS!" until the projection-mojo noise replaces it as the Library and Fugly Rufus smear around in the background of the shot. The Ultimate Retard openssss her eyessss to find ssshe'ssss transsssported hersssself to the Manor'ssss ssssecond-floor hall, pressssumably the previoussss evening jusssst prior to the final battle. We get confirmation of this when Yesterday's Maggot Neck and Yesterday's Openly Deranged Chrissssty descend from the attic, fresh from sucking up The Dead-Eyed Psycho's powers, and vasssst issss the hissssssssing that followssss when The Retardssss confront each other. Long sssstory sssshort, Yessssterday'ssss Maggot Neck telekinetically flingssss Tomorrow'ssss Maggot Neck into a wall, and sssshe and her openly deranged ssssisssster continue towardssss the lower sssstairs.

They arrive on the main floor in time to see The Hollowed Manor Morons orb onto the sun porch, and the pre-battle sniping repeats itself. However, this time around, at the moment the two sets of witches unleash their bolts of deadly mojo at each other, Tomorrow's Piper hearts into the dining room unnoticed, along with Grams, Patty, and the Dolt. The just-arrived women recite The Hollow's banishing spell, and despite the fact that the original spell required the participation of a dark demonic force sent from the flaming maw of Hell, it works anyway. The deadly bolts shoot back into the battling witches' bodies, and The Hollow buzzes up from each of their faces to stream away into the night. Tomorrow's Piper edges into Yesterday's Piper's line of vision, eliciting a "What the hell?" from the latter. "Don't ask," snorts Tomorrow's Piper. "You'll get a headache." Tomorrow'ssss Retard alightssss on the sssstairwell landing at thissss point and lingerssss there until sssshe'ssss caught up in a pink flare that sssshootssss her into Yessssterday'ssss Retard'ssss body. Same thing happens to the Pipers. "Looks like time caught up with itself," opines the Dolt, and no, it didn't, not really, because Tomorrow's Piper and Retard are still several hours ahead of Yesterday's Piper and Retard at this point, but I'm not going to argue, because I'm twenty-two minutes and twenty-nine seconds away from FREEDOM, and CANCELLED!

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