Forever Charmed

Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 11 USERS: B

Reconstituted Piper does not immediately deploy The Mighty Hands Of Discontent upon her unwelcome houseguests' worthless asses, because Reconstituted Piper is an idiot, thereby allowing Reconstituted Retard enough time to smash the potion vial she'd toted from Tomorrow's Not!warts onto the floor. Maggot Neck and Openly Deranged Chrissssty disappear in a cloud of teleportative smoke. "Dammit!" Piper grumbles. Hey, it's your own stupid fault, honey. Don't go bitching about it now. And if you think that's bad, doll, it's about to get a little bit worse. Patty barely has time to puzzle over The Late Lamented's absence when The Angel Of Teasley arrives in a magnificent cascade of golden light. "I'm sorry," she apologizes to Piper, "but I have no choice." Just as quickly as she appeared, she then dematerializes with the Dolt, that little golden ball of hers dancing around on the sun porch for a moment before darting into the next commercial break.

Manor Parlor. Aftermath. The Glamorous Grandladies join The Manor Morons for a processing summit during which Phoebe and Raige are brought up to speed on both recent and distant events. "If I'm gonna get my husband back," Piper concludes, "we have a battle to finish." "And we have to get Mom back safely," Phoebe adds, "otherwise, [Raige] and I won't be born." "Well, fantastic!" Raige sarcastically puckers. "Are there any other problems we should be worrying about?" Your answer, Raige, is arriving now in a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls. Big Gay Chris! And Boring Jesus! SQUEEEE! Sad, isn't it? I'm coming perilously close to the point where I can officially say I'm pushing forty, and I've been reduced to the level of obnoxious and squealy fangirls just because my pretty, pretty husband is back on this awful, evil, awful, wicked, awful, stupid, awful, CANCELLED! show. "What are you two doing here?" Piper hoots with only mild surprise, likely because after the day she's had, it'll take a lot more than her flaming adult sons arriving from the future to shock her. Boring Jesus just gets this doofy and Dolt-like apologetic grin on his face. Meanwhile, Big Gay Chris -- clearly his mother's son -- instantly pisses, "Somebody just screwed with our future!" The assembled ladies gape.

Out on the Paramount backlot, Chrissssty and Maggot Neck break up, and that'ssss all you need to know about that, because I'm heading back to the Manor, where... adorable husband is explaining why he and my boring brother-in-law traveled into the past. "We don't know what happened -- one minute, everything's fine, we're kicking demon ass," he begins before Boring Jesus interrupts with, "Actually, I was kicking some demon ass," and shut up, Boring Jesus, and let my husband finish his story. Basically, in the middle of a fight, Boring Jesus suddenly lost his powers, so the boys cast a spell to take them to the point the powers went bye-bye, and I didn't realize this until I just now typed it out, but that doesn't make any fucking sense at all. Why would they cast a spell to take themselves to the point where Boring Jesus lost his powers when, from their perspective, they already knew when he lost his powers, which was in the middle of that fight? THIS SHOW IS GOING TO KILL ME. However. None of that is important, because of one thing that happened during that entire exchange. Big Gay Chris apologized to Grams for using the word "ass," and Boring Jesus reacted to this by getting all verklempt and going, "Grams? You mean, the Grams?" which can be interpreted in a number of ways. The way you will interpret it is this, because I said so: For whatever reason, Grams stops visiting the Manor from the afterlife at some point in the very near future, which is why Boring Jesus doesn't recognize her. Big Gay Chris does know who she is, however, because his Season Six self didn't really die and fade away, to be replaced by a series of fugly little blubber wads who would have no reason to return to 2003 from 2026 because the Dolt zapped Snidely to death and The Dead-Eyed Psycho grew up to become Boring Jesus and blah blah wah. No, Big Gay Chris's Season Six self evidently faded out of 2004 and shot straight forward into 2026, where he merged with his alternate-future self to retain both sets of memories in much the same way his mother just did a couple of scenes ago. Why is this more important than anything else that's happening in this scene? Because it's about Big Gay Chris. Duuuuuh. You think I give a rat's ass about anybody else on this stupid show?

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