Episode Report CardDemian: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Travel back in time with me to January 20, 1997. On that date, a post-Monica-yet-pre-MonicaGate Bill Clinton was sworn in for his second term, much to the dismay of my staunchly Republican father -- who was celebrating his sixty-fifth birthday that evening. The jury hearing the civil complaint against O.J. Simpson would soon hand down a verdict in favor of the parents of Ron Goldman, around the same time Louise Woodward made a frantic call to 911. A Haitian immigrant named Abner Louima would not be brutally sodomized with a broom handle by one of New York’s finest for another few months, and the American public’s collective sense of good taste would not be brutally sodomized with Dawson’s Creek by the WB for another year. Feeling pretty good about the world at that time, ain’t ya? Well, wipe that damn smile off your face. For on that evening, as Bill and Hillary danced under Ms. Lewinsky’s jealous gaze, as Mom and Dad hit the Red Lobster for some surf ‘n’ turf a couple of hundred miles north of Washington, as those jurors finessed the details of the final settlement, as Louise put Matthew Eappen down for one of his final naps, as Mr. Louima and his friends headed off to Club Rendez-vous for a night of unmolested cocktailing, as James Van Der Beek laid his enormous head down to rest in the obscurity to which I pray he will shortly return, a Shannen Doherty vehicle known as Friends 'Til The End aired on national television. I won’t lie and pretend I watched it that evening. (It was a Monday. After Melrose Place, the Polish Princess and I headed to the friendly neighborhood gay bar for show tunes. Sue me.) I won’t even lie and pretend I cared at all about Shannen Doherty’s career at that point. Were this an innocent and just world, I would never have heard of this made-for-TV version of Single White Female meets the Lillehammer Women’s Figure Skating Finals meets The Monkees meets "Sorority Girls From Hell." Unfortunately, VH-1 ("We Put Music Headfirst Into The Toilet And Give It A Swirlie") has decided this is indeed A Movie That Rocks. As such, the "film" has been played and replayed and thoroughly played out over the last couple of years on that channel alongside movies far more deserving of the "Movies That Rock" appellation. (Yes, weep. For The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Airheads rock much harder than this. Then again, I won’t be holding my breath waiting for the VH-1 debut of Hedwig And The Angry Inch.)