Give Me A Sign

Episode Report Card
Owen: D | Grade It Now!
Give Me A Sign

It took seven new episodes airing consecutively to get there, but this last one was actually kind of fun to watch and not a complete chore to recap. Even more fun can be had with the re-run by taking up Talula's suggestion to note every time the words "sign" and "dream" and "trust" were used in the ep, and take a drink each time. But be sure to keep a stomach pump and charcoal tablets handy.

Cellblock. Two burly guards, one sporting a goatee, walk down a deserted prison hallway toward a cell where a buff, shirtless prisoner is doing sit-ups on the floor. The burly men tell the prisoner that "it's time." Bane "of Prue's eXistenZ" Jessup (played by special guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.), stands up, muscles rippling. He's confused, because he thought his hearing was next week. Bane looks intently at them and realizes, "I've never seen you guys before." The guards enter his cell anyway, and the men strip down to form a Sabato sandwich. Oh, my bad. I only thought I was inadvertently watching a gay porn video. ["KHAAAAN!" -- Sars] (Thanks here to my friend R., who filled me in on the rudiments of what a gay pornographic film looks like, since I've never seen one in my life. Ever. I swear. What's with the smirk? No, never. Really. You can uncock that eyebrow now.) The guards open Bane's cell and jangle some -- ahem -- handcuffs at him.

Cut to the exterior of the jail. Some cruel person in Wardrobe made Antonio put a shirt on, and the guards are leading him to a van. Antonio asks Goateed Guard if "Litvac" sent them. GG doesn't say anything. Bane elbows the other guard in the stomach and grabs the silver -- titter, titter -- ray gun GG is holding and aims it at the guy. The other guard gets hit by the beam and evaporates. Bane knocks the ray gun out of GG's hand and it falls under a parked car. Then he knocks GG down with his cuffed hands. GG picks Bane up and throws him against the van. Bane jumps inside the open police van and drives away because the engine is conveniently running already. AS IF! Bane drives off as GG chases after him. He crashes the van through the gates of the parking lot. Some lucky guy playing the ineffectual security-gate guard earns his SAG card by yelling, "Stop!" GG tries to retrieve his ray gun from under the parked car, but Bane's escape has caused one lonely guard to walk casually out of the jail and earn his own SAG card by delivering the line, "Hey, what's going on here?" GG runs away.

Halliwell Manor. Day. Piper "I Don't Know How To Love Him" Halliwell and Phoebe "Willow, Weep For Her" Halliwell enter the kitchen. They're each wearing running gear, complete with sports bras of competing logos which will not be named until both companies send in advertising fees to this site. Piper blathers about Leo "who's mortal now, but might want his wings back someday" and Dan "who's great and normal." Wrong and wrong. Phoebe rolls her eyes and says, "Twenty-eight minutes, thirty-three seconds." Piper wonders if they'd been running for that long. Phoebe implies that Piper's mouth has. Piper thinks that her sister could be more "understanding" about her "problem." Phoebe: "You're in love with two guys who both love you. I totally get it. But I don't get why you won't let me help you." Piper asks her what she can do -- take one of them off her hands? Phoebe considers this. Piper tells her that's "not an option." Phoebe offers assistance in the form of a spell instead. It can "point a magical arrow in the direction of [Piper's] one true love and end the great debate once and for all." Excuse me? I've seen great debates, I've participated in great debates, and you, Senator Who-Should-Piper-Date, are no Nixon-Kennedy. Piper balks, because Phoebe's spell has "personal gain tattooed across its forehead." Phoebe assures her sister that she's been improving her spells and is sure she can come up with one that's "consequence-free -- it's all in the wording." Thank you, Bill Clinton of witchcraft. Piper, to her credit, walks into the dining room and dismisses the effort to "use magic to solve [her] personal problems." Ah, I feel the pleasant breeze of free will and the smell the warm fragrance of individual responsibility. Phoebe chases after her, assuring Piper that she doesn't have to use magic, because Phoebe will "do it for [her]!"

The docile Ps and viewers spot "The Taming of the" Prue Halliwell in the sunroom, examining a ton of photographic equipment. Prue asks when her stuff got there. For once, she's attired in something normal -- a white t-shirt under a pink sweater along with a pair of jeans. Except for the fact that pastels really don't flatter Shannen Doherty's coloring and that the jeans sport many "Quiche, Quiche Lorraine" appliqu├ęs, I don't have much to grouse about. Piper tells Prue that her equipment was delivered about an hour ago. The docile Ps join her. Phoebe wonders if Prue bought "enough stuff." Prue explains that "so much of photography has gone digital now, if [she wants] to seriously pursue it, [she has] to have the right equipment." Phoebe, stranger to the obvious, realizes, "Wait -- so you're thinking about becoming a professional photographer?" Prue: "You don't think I should?" Phoebe says, "Sure, I think that's great, if that's what you want to do, it's just . . . isn't photography a really dicey profession -- money-wise?" Piper pinches her, but Phoebe keeps her unfortunate, dream-deflating monologue going, adding, "All I'm saying is, how many women professional photographers do you know?" THE HELL? Since when did a Halliwell become so discouragingly anti-feminist? Who wrote this crap? Anyway, while I motion to the side of my face to let Phoebe know that there's a little bit of foot still sticking out of her mouth, Piper reminds Prue that she's always considered that profession. Seems that Prue "dreamed [okay, take a sip of your drink here] of winning the Pulitzer Prize in photography since college," but took jobs at the museum and the auction house to earn enough money for the sisters to keep the manor. Piper bucks her sister up by assuring her that "now it's [her] turn to follow her dreams [sip]." Although the revelation that Brenda Walsh is now pursuing the Pew-litzer Prize with all the gusto of her brother Brandon truly turns my stomach, I'm all for Piper reinforcing Prue's confidence. Go, Piper! And shut up, Phoebe. Phoebe tries to backpedal by suggesting that finding out that Prue had been a photographer in a past life was "some kind of sign [sip]." She beams and adds, "Speaking of signs [sip] . . ." Phoebe runs upstairs. Piper, nonplused, follows her, screaming, "No!"

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