Charmed
Gone With The Witches

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Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

Many thanks to Embrujada on the boards for some wicked mad closed-captioning skills.

Previously on It Wassss Raining Outsssside The Night The Retard'ssss Ssssisssster Wassss CANCELLED!, The Dead-Eyed Psycho terrified Keckler; Stoop introduced himself to the Feebs, started yammering about her stupid love life, and hasn't shut up since; Phoebe dreamed about banging her Cupid on a desk at All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me; Maggot Neck "emoted," then blamed herself for her parents' deaths until her ssssecretly evil ssssisssster cunningly foisted all responsibility for the elder Retards' slaughter onto The Charmed Ones; Piper tried to blow The Sisters Retard right the fuck up, but Chrissssty's pyrokinetic mojo put a stop to that; and Phoebe got up on her goddamned high horse about Piper's homicidal inclinations, like, RICK GITTRIDGE, BITCH.

Currently on CANCELLED!, we find the intrepid Manor Morons tiptoeing down one of the side hallways at Not!warts, sniping at each other the entire time. Phoebe, you see, despite her vow last week to stop The Sisters Retard by any means necessary, is now once again arguing that Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard "are being manipulated by something" and are therefore not responsible for their actions, and SHUT UP, PHOEBE. God, she's a fucking idiot! Piper and Raige tolerate Phoebe's incessant ramblings for whatever reason, but you can tell that Piper wants to blow her bony, stupid hag ass up, and you can also tell that Raige would do the same were she so empowered. Phoebe's tiresome natterings eventually trail off, and she tentatively steps over to a closed door behind which, she claims, lurks the evil responsible for Chrissssty and Maggot Neck's behavior as of late. Phoebe twists at the handle and swings open the creaky door to reveal the interior of an all-black chamber. At the center of the chamber rests a low dais supporting a glowing white disk of some sort. "All right!" Raige too-brightly perks. "Now that we've ascertained it's a creepy, empty room, I think we can go!" My. "Ascertained" certainly is a big word for a gal who doesn't know what flogging is, don't you think? God, I hate this show. Phoebe argues that though the room appears to be empty, the "vibes" she's pulling from it indicate otherwise. Piper couldn't care less and wants out of there, pronto. Piper and Raige eventually prevail, dragging Phoebe from the chamber and slamming the door shut behind them just as a chorus of unearthly voices begins ululating on the soundtrack. Just in case you didn't get that sound cue, the camera pans down to linger on the center dais's glowing white disk for a moment before cutting out to...

...the exterior hallway, where Creo's just now squiggling in with a trio of henchthugs. "You're not supposed to be here," he notes, sounding oddly amused by the entire situation. "Actually, I think you got that backwards," Piper snorts, preparing to deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Creo conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death in response, but before either party can release any destructive mojo on the other's ass, Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty calls out, "Stop!" from off screen. "I mean it!" she insists, lunging through Creo's henchthugs to get all up in his face. Creo scowls, but allows the FBOD to fizzle out harmlessly in his hand. "So, what?" Phoebe squints in Chrissssty's direction. "Are these hall monitors working for you now? Does [the stupid fucking bimbo retard] know about this?" Chrissssty's all, "That's no concern of yours, trash." Raige steps up to snot something defiant, so Chrissssty wheels on her to sneer, "What are you going to do about it -- vanquish me? Oh, wait! I'm human, and that's murder, and that's illegal, isn't it?" and Chrissssty? RICK GITTRIDGE. Consider yourself warned. Piper offers a frosty smile and smarms something about self-defense that I'll be ignoring because she should be blowing Chrissssty right the fuck up as I type this and whatever! and CANCELLED! and Raige finally -- finally -- grabs Piper and Phoebe's hands to orb up through the ceiling. Chrissssty spins on her heel to excoriate Creo for showing his face in Not!warts after she'd given him explicit instructions not to do so. His response makes it clear he was ordered there by a power far greater than himself, though he remains mute regarding that greater power's identity. Chrissssty's not having it and curtly reminds him, "I promised my sister [The Glamorous Idiots] wouldn't be hurt -- not 'til we're ready." A thundering herd of drums stampedes across the soundtrack for a moment before everything's swallowed up by the opening credits.

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Charmed

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