Gone With The Witches

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Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

The Hagquarters. An assy nymrod -- get this -- materializes out of Phoebe's goddamned ficus plant and starts screaming for help. Well, mewling for help, actually, because this is one hell of a wimpy nymrod. Phoebe ignores her, of course, for Phoebe is otherwise engaged, though given the amount of time that's passed, you'd think she'd have Stoop naked by now. As it is, they're just now collapsing onto the bed in The Hagquarters's boudoir, still fully clothed. This is, of course, a very good thing as far as Phoebe's bony ass is concerned, but please. You don't hire Victor Webster for a role like this and not have him take his clothes off at least once. Stupid Charmed ruins everything! And while I was going on about all that, a demon squiggled into The Hagquarters and whipped a Flaming Ball Of Death at the wimpy nymrod. I think she dodged it by vanishing into the ficus, but I'm sure as hell not rewinding to check. Phoebe races from her boudoir and gapes in dismay at her ruined houseplant. This is enough for the Ball Of Sin to release its hold on her Fun Bags -- likely, I believe, because she is a birdbrained bitch who cares more about The Hagquarters's décor than saving innocents. Phoebe blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."

Manor Foyer. Die Überhausfrau futzes with a martini shaker as some asinine little fairy prince arrives with a tale of Stoopid Magikal Kreature slaughter and woe. Die Überhausfrau patiently listens to his story, then very politely tells him to go to hell. Hooray! A demon squiggles into the dining room and launches a Flaming Ball Of Death that instantly transforms the asinine little fairy prince into a cascade of cremains that settles onto the carpet at Die Überhausfrau's feet. "That's just awful!" Die Überhausfrau chides the demon before adding, "I just vacuumed there!" Piper then most awesomely retrieves the vacuum and efficiently dispenses with the asinine little fairy prince's ashy remains. Hee. And what does that say about this shitty, shitty episode when this little exercise in domestic fastidiousness is by far the most entertaining part of it? In any event, the demon squiggles away just as Grams's ring releases its hold on Piper's brain -- likely, I believe, because CANCELLED! Piper blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."

Not!warts. The Man From Another Place cries out for help, so Maggot Neck, Chrissssty, and Fugly Rufus come running. "Demons!" The Man From Another Place howls. "They're attacking us all!" And this is a, exactly? "But where are the Charmed Ones?" Fugly Rufus ingenuously wonders. "Leaving us to die!" is The Man From Another Place's annoyed response. Again, not seeing a problem, here. The Ultimate Retard does, however -- like, shut up, Retard -- and vowssss, "We'll take care of that." More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty and her overly glossed lips shoot her sister A Look before everyone falls into the final commercial break.

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