Charmed
Gone With The Witches

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Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

Manor. Will this episode never end? Phoebe barges through the front door bellowing for her sisters, who soon join her in the main hall to process through recent events. "Who do you think did this to us?" blurts the egregiously dimwitted and oblivious Feebs. "The RETARD, you jackass!" comes Piper's reply, in so many words. "She's the only one who knows us well enough to use our past against us!" "Oooh, I'm gonna kill her," squints the Feebs. Piper just stares blankly at her brutally stupid hag of a sister before deadpanning, "Where ya been?" Heh. After a bit more babbling, The Manor Morons head up to the nonexistent attic to strategize.

Unfortunately, when they arrive, they find the nonexistent room positively swarming with the many Stoopid Magikal Kreatures who survived the recent demonic turkey shoot, led by the depressingly still viable Man From Another Place. Damn you, Charmed, for making me hate Michael J. Anderson! The Glam Gals start out all conciliatory, but that quickly goes nowhere when a smelly ogre man stomps up behind the Feebs, shouts, "You betrayed us!" and backhands her bony ass halfway across the nonexistent room. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. That was some good shit. Piper and Raige, of course, hasten to Phoebe's side to haul her back up onto her heels, and barely have they managed to do so when More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty and The Ultimate Retard push their way through the collected Kreatures to sneer...whatever. CANCELLED! After the maggoty-necked hissing is done, More-Or-Less Openly Evil Chrissssty thinks real hard for a moment and presently conjures a rapidly expanding ball of flame that Maggot Neck telekinetically redirects towards The Manor Morons. The ladies of the house, thinking quickly, dive for the Book of Shadows before Raige yanks them all upwards in a cloud of orbs. Alas, Raige's Whitelightery reflexes aren't what they used to be, and Chrissssty's billowing mass of pyrokinetic mojo slams hard into their orbs, propelling the cloud through the nonexistent room's front windows, which shatter outwards onto the lawn from the impact. D'oh!

The Underworld. Raige's orb cloud tumbles into Jondar's fumarole-littered lair -- like, way to recycle the sets without even trying to make them look different, Kern -- scattering the recoagulated Glamorous Ladies across the dirt along with the Book of Shadows. "How did we get here?" Phoebe heaves, pushing the Fun Bags up from the floor. "Dunno, I aimed for [Not!warts]," Raige sighs. "They must have...protected it...from US," she concludes, her bizarrely inappropriate phrasing intact despite her rough descent into Hell. "Wait," Phoebe cries, "so there's demons Up There, and we're stuck in the Underworld?" "We're the bad guys now," Piper notes with a shrug in her voice as she awkwardly struggles to her feet because Holly Marie Combs is, by now, twenty-six months pregnant. "How did that happen?" Mugs McGowan grimaces. "More importantly," Piper warns, "what are we gonna do now?" As she finishes her question, both she and her sisters find their ears assaulted by the suddenly audible disembodied mumblings of hundreds of the Underworld's finest. Piper eyes the smoky fumaroles for a moment before gritting out a meta-statement that describes this entire wasted hour: "Oh, this is bad. This is really bad." The camera skitters across the chamber to take in the gals from a low angle at the far side of the room, making them look impossibly small against the looming outcroppings of rock for a moment before the screen flares white one last time to batter us over to...

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Charmed

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