Gone With The Witches

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

...Not!warts, where The Ultimate Retard sits at Snidely's old desk, filling a notebook with the Halliwells' magical biographies in an attempt to identify their weaknesses -- or so Chrissssty notes with approval when she enters to join her maggoty-necked and horribly coiffed sister in the office. The babbling that follows quickly escalates into shrieking bitchery when Chrissssty implies that nothing short of death will stop the Manor Morons from abusing their powers in order tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Seriously: Yaaaaaaaaawn. Does anyone care about Maggot Neck's moral qualms at the moment? Did anyone ever care about anything involving the Retarded Bimbo, from the very first moment she appeared on the screen seven and a half months ago? Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so. Shut up, Charmed. Long story short, The Ultimate Retard could never kill a mom like Piper because of the kids, or something like that, leading Chrissssty to peeve, "You know what? I'm tired of trying to convince you of this." "If you don't want to believe me, then fine," she continues, "but I'm gonna introduce you to someone that you'll have to believe." Dun dun DUN! NOT! The Ultimate Retard fingers the many folds in her neck as the screen flares white once again to escort us over to...

...The United Colors Of Munchkinland. As the twee tootling of The Mischievous Pan-Pipe Of Annoying Irish Stereotypes kicks in on the soundtrack, we spot three of the little fuckers playing poker in the foreground of the shot while Raige orbs into the clearing beyond them. Joining The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata for this evening's festivities is a dwarf I won't even bother looking up, because I hate the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures so much, and why are they devoting one of the three remaining episodes to these assholes, and this show sucks, and I want to die, despite the fact that it's CANCELLED! and oh, my holy crap, but The C.S.I. Piñata's Irish accent hasn't improved at all in the last three years and is, in fact, atrocious, and sweet bleeding Christ on a stick, I hate this show. Admittedly, Michael J. Anderson's accent isn't much better, but Anderson's still the recipient of a lot of good will from yours truly for his performances in Twin Peaks and Carnivàle, so I'm more willing to overlook -- you know what? Fuck it. I'm spinning off on a pointless tangent just so I can avoid watching this aggravating scene again, so let's cut to the goddamned chase: Despite their misgivings regarding the mission, and despite the fact that they're more than a little annoyed that the Manor Morons keep nagging them for favors, The Man From Another Place and The C.S.I. Piñata agree to infiltrate Not!warts on Raige's behalf. Scene.

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