Gone With The Witches

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Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

Not!warts. And finally? Grams's hexed wedding ring, which will lead us back to...

...the nonexistent attic, where Piper abuses the Book of Shadows until the ring in question materializes on her finger, just above her own wedding band. Piper notices it immediately and manages to gasp out an "Oh, crap!" before she morphs into her version of an Eisenhower-era hausfrau, which involves a blue gingham button-down blouse with a Peter Pan collar. And puffy sleeves. Also, for some stupid reason, her version of an Eisenhower-era hausfrau comes equipped with superspeed. Just go with it, because CANCELLED! Piper zips into a flaring white screen that knocks us back into...

...Not!warts, where Fugly Rufus and The Zombie Triad muah-ha-ha-ha their way into the next commercial break.

The United Colors Of Munchkinland, where we find various nymrods, ogres, stupid fucking zombie fairy princesses, elves, satyrs, know what? Fuck this shit. I've always -- always -- hated the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, so do me a favor: Wake me up when Fugly Rufus's henchdemons show up and start dusting their worthless asses, 'kay? By the way, The C.S.I. Piñata apparently has a manicure fetish. No, seriously. Little people. Go figure. Oh, and look at that! A Flaming Ball Of Death just blew The Man From Another Place halfway across the clearing! Hooray! The Kreature slaughter begins, and I have to believe the henchdemons are deliberately allowing a certain number of these dipshits to escape -- you know, in order to spread the word that The Charmed Ones are selfish bitches -- because the FBOD volleys are coming waaaaaay too slow, here. Best I can tell, because I'm not really paying attention (and it's a sad day in Casa Demian indeed when the gentleman of the house finds it impossible to enjoy the wholesale slaughter of Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, but that, alas, is what it has come to, thanks to this stupid, awful, stupid, evil show), the fireballs connect with an ogre, a few nymrods, that stupid fucking zombie fairy princess who'll probably regenerate in time for next week's goddamned episode, and, most awesomely, The C.S.I. Piñata, who has so richly deserved death all evening if for no other reason than his horrendous Irish accent. The Man From Another Place freaks.

High atop the Golden Gate Bridge, Raige serenely meditates far above the traffic below, cross-legged upon a pillow of orbs. The Man From Another Place rainbows in and pleads for her help. Serene Raige frowns a bit and flaps her hand in The Man From Another Place's direction while calling out, "Bay!" In a horrifically rendered bit of CGI, we see The Man From Another Place zoom across the expanse of the bridge in a cluster of orbs until he drops into the water, far below. Unfortunately, he does not shatter every single goddamned bone in his tiny little body upon impact. As The Man From Another Place gasps to the surface and paddles around for a bit, the obsession voodoo releases its hold on Raige's brain -- likely, I believe, because she caused physical harm, but I wouldn't bet on that if I were you, as I doubt tonight's primary typewriting crackmonkey bothered to think it through. With the spell broken, Raige snaps out of her meditative mode and slams heavily onto the tower when her pillow of orbs disappears. She blinks a couple of times before blurting, "Uh oh."

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