Happily Ever After

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | Grade It Now!
Crappily Ever After

The Ball. FrankenFeebs and the hideous monstrosity Eilish is calling an evening gown plow through the outer reception area, trailed limply by the Dolt. Freddie Prinze Charming Junior appears to offer FrankenFeebs a ride home. Cole races onto the scene to warn Phoebe about Prinze Charming's ulterior motives. FrankenFeebs clocks him one in the jaw, grabs Prinze Charming's hand, and disappears from the hall after ordering the Dolt to keep an eye on the ex-husband. "He's evil," Cole warns. "And what are you?" counters the Dolt, aiming for "stoic and manly" but ending up somewhere in the general vicinity of "gargoyle-faced pantywaist."

Attic. Piper consults her Big Book as the Big Bad lurks in the shadows, twisting the red riding hood into a satin garrote of sorts. Piper runs through the whole "what big ears/eyes/teeth you have" checklist while Big Bad Grams silently advances on her from behind, answering in kind. When Big Bad Grams reaches "the better to eat you with," its voice tumbles down into a guttural howl. Piper whips about on the sofa, takes one look at the Big Bad off-screen, and unhinges her lower jaw to shriek in terror. The camera dives into her mouth, and...

...emerges outside the St. Regis. FrankenFeebs and Freddie Prinze Charming Junior stride out onto the empty sidewalk from the lobby as the clock strikes twelve. The Dolt follows briefly, but, sensing Piper's distress, orbs immediately back to the Manor. The scene shifts into slow motion as the carriage from earlier rounds the corner, the horses charging ominously through the mist. Phoebe yodels and tries to break free from Prinze Charming, but he yanks her back into his arms. One of the Lucite pumps slides off FrankenFeebs's sweaty foot to clatter on the cobbles in front of the hotel. Prinze Charming stuffs the FrankenFeebs into the carriage's cab just as the clock chimes midnight. The carriage -- driver, horses, FrankenFeebs and all -- morphs down into a pumpkin on the hotel's front drive. I idly wonder what happened to the mice that are supposed be scurrying around somewhere as the camera bubbles back through Mirror Mirror. Cloris eyes the image of the rodent-free pumpkin and smirks, "The. End!" Not really, hon. Just another commercial break.

And we're back. Freddie Prinze Charming Junior gazes at Phoebe's sweaty Lucite pump for a moment, then snatches up the pumpkin to dash it on the ground. Cole appears from the lobby to threaten Prinze Charming with an agonizing death should anything happen to the pumpkin. Prinze Charming, struggling against the Cloris mojo currently controlling his body, wails that should he not off the Feebs, Cloris will kill him anyway. After an agonizingly long, tension-free moment, Prinze Charming hurls the pumpkin to the ground. Cole zaps the scene with a little mojo of his own, freezing everything involved. He saunters over to retrieve the pumpkin, then decks Prinze Charming in the teeth. Some heinous, Hell-sent, demonic beast forces Julian McMahon to deliver the line, "Keep your hands off my pumpkin." Oy.

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