Credits, revised for the fifth season with new footage from the few episodes already in the can. There's Alyssa, with her blank expression and that hideous, shredded hairstyle. Fire your burner, honey. Rose, with the dye job. Yeah, you can go ahead and fire yours, too. Holly Marie, irritated, as if wondering why this show hasn't been canceled already. Gargoyle Dolt. Huge, terrifying Gargoyle Dolt. And, finally, the man who made an honest woman out of Dannii Minogue. You're never going to live that one down, Jules.
After Kirstie Alley fills me with the desire to embark on a multi-state firebombing spree involving Pier One outlets across the nation, we return to the Manor. Piper fell asleep reading to her percolating infant and ended up spending the night in the attic. She starts when Raige barrels in and shrieks something about protecting her baby. Seems she was having a nightmare, you see. Raige rolls her eyes and wonders what happened to the Dolt. Piper guesses he's off assisting another of his "charges." Raige whines about her failure to concoct a "protection potion," and gets snippy when Piper suggests that protection potions are quite simply impossible to make. Grams, apparently, was quite close to finishing one before she died, and the evidence is right there in the Book of Shadows. Piper glums, "Too bad she's not around -- she could help us both out." I'd feel sorry for Piper, but as Jennifer Rhodes's name was the first to appear in the credits beneath this scene, feeling sorry for Piper seems a bit pointless, no? Piper continues that she "need[s] some guidance" regarding her percolating infant. Raige babbles something about contacting new mom Wendy from last season for a few words of wisdom, but Piper quickly shoots down that idea, as Wendy's newborn never was able to heal its mother from inside the womb. Piper, you see, needs to speak with someone who's lugged a magical brat or two around in her uterus for nine months. Your run-of-the-mill, barefoot-and-pregnant, SUV-driving, Tri-Delt soccer mom simply will not suffice.
Phoebe, slung into low-riding black leather pants and an absolutely ludicrous top stitched together from the remains of a lavender leotard and a pair of black opera gloves, jiggles into the attic to place unreasonable demands upon her otherwise-occupied sisters. Specifically, she insists that Raige immediately brew a Cole vanquish using those drops of acidic blood he left on last week's letter opener. Phoebe also unloads a season's worth of backstory, referencing her two weeks as queen of the Underworld, Cole's direct attempt on Raige's life, and, finally, the bizarre new mojo Cole swiped from the Waste Land. Piper and Raige, with preternatural patience, calmly endure Phoebe's expository tirade, then eye her balefully as Phoebe jiggles out of the attic to head to her office.