Charmed
Happily Ever After

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Crappily Ever After

Raige rises to cross to the Book of Shadows while Piper glares into the camera, and the shot tracks back from Piper's peeved expression to bubble through the magical mirror over in Grampy's fairy tale castle. Little Rusty gloats that Cloris will never be able to destroy the Charmed Ones. Cloris begs to differ, as she has a museum full of powerful trinkets with which to assault them. Rusty's horrified. Using the "props" to promote the cause of evil would "change the meaning" of the stories they represent and "shift them away from good." Suspend the disbelief, people. You'll only hurt yourselves if you don't. Cloris crosses to the Big Book Of Fairy Tales, flips to the chapter on Snow White, and summons the story's woodsman from the chapter's illustration. Join me, won't you, for A Nancy Kerrigan Moment: Whyyyyy? WHYYYYY? Seriously, Cloris, why the Woodsman from that story? Everyone and his three-year-old niece knows the Woodsman defied the queen. Rather than hacking up Snow White and returning to the castle with her heart so the Evil Queen could toss it into a salad, he took pity on Miss White and hacked up, like, a ferret or something instead. Don't believe me? Ask Lana Lang. The same thing just happened to her the other night on the Hallmark Channel when one of those IRA terrorists from The Crying Game sent a pocket-sized Raul Julia into the forest with an axe. True story. Cloris doesn't listen to me. Rather, she summons the Woodsman, hands him a hefty, gleaming hatchet, and instructs him to "bring [her] the heart of the witch who's as white as snow." That would be Raige, right? I'm guessing, here. The Woodsman nods his head all "whatever," and leaves. Cloris returns to Rusty and orders him to show her "the witch who's been burned by love."

The mirror bubbles, and presently we dive through to land on Phoebe and her ludicrous top arriving late for work. Phoebe's assistant natters something about Phoebe's schedule for the day, then informs her that the divorce attorney called once and Cole called three times. Phoebe, gripping a mug of coffee, grunts and spins to head into her office. Unfortunately for that ludicrous top of hers, she ends up blindly body-checking a blond gent in a grey suit, jostling the contents of her mug onto her chest. Phoebe does not howl and wail in agonizing pain as the scalding coffee raises second-degree welts on the Fun Bags. Instead, she catches sight of the gentleman's face and horns up. Flirtatious introductions follow. The gentleman's name is "Adam Prinze." Feel free to bludgeon yourself with the nearest blunt object. Lord knows I've already done so at least eight times this evening. Freddie Prinze Charming Junior is played by Sean Patrick Flannery, and I'm compelled to note that Father Time has not been kind to Young Indiana Jones. He looks like a blond David Cassidy, and anyone who's seen Keith Partridge lately knows this is not a good thing. Shame, really, because if Freddie Prinze Charming Junior lost a bit of the bloat around his face, he'd look enough like Michael Vartan for me to be able to call him Kink Arthur, thereby sparing me the pain involved in typing out a "joke" dependent upon Sarah Michelle Gellar's butt boy. Prinze Charming makes with the profuse apologies, and offers to spot Phoebe for the dry-cleaning. Okay, so the guy's a blind Keith Partridge. Rip the hideous thing off of her and burn it, Freddie. No, wait. Scratch that. I saw enough of the Fun Bags last week. In any event, it turns out that Prinze Charming is a devotee of "Ask Phoebe," which surprises the column's purported author, as her "target audience" is made up of "closeted housewives pining for love." "Well," Prinze Charming grins, "one out of two isn't bad." He's a closeted housewife? Kinky. Not as kinky as Janice and Ralphie, but still.

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Charmed

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