Charmed
Hyde School Reunion

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
"Pointless Filler Episode Number 128"
Let them always remember when.

Of course, the couplet has all the effects of an actual spell now that she's a witch, and she should have realized that before so stupidly reading it aloud, but this show is ass, so whatever. Phoebe instantly flares and morphs into her teenaged self for a second before flaring and morphing back. She twitches, blinking her eyes in surprise and dropping the yearbook back on the bed. The camera cuts to a shot of her yearbook photo and zooms quickly in on Teen Feebs's slatternly and slack-jawed expression before slamming us into the opening credits.

The Opening Travelogue is mercifully ovary-free this evening, so we watch time-lapse images of night falling on the city in blissful peace for a bit before heading back to the Manor, where Victor "Daddy Dearest" (Jones) Bennett has just arrived to ring the doorbell. Piper greets him with a warm hug while perking, "Good to see you!" "Good to see you, too," he replies before stepping back and adding in surprise, "All of you! You're pregnant!" "Yeah, looks that way, huh?" she amusingly rejoins while shutting the door. She natters an apology for not breaking the news to him earlier, and hastens to note that the Dolt's the father. "I thought you guys split up," Daddy Dearest huffs, setting his overcoat and overnight bag on the mirrored foyer console table. Piper confirms the separation. "Then how -- I don't understand," Daddy Dearest splutters as Piper leads him into the parlor. "Well," Piper explains with the wildly gesticulating hands of a woman who knows how asinine her plot points have been over the last season or so, "he was dying and I was crying and -- it's all very complicated."

They seat themselves on adjacent overstuffed armchairs as Daddy Dearest guesses, "So, [the Dolt's], ah, moved on?" "Yeah," Piper admits, "but I'm happy for him. He really wanted to go." "He wanted to die?" Daddy Dearest eyebrows. Piper clues her father in on the whole ever-useless Elder thing and adds the Dolt knows nothing of her pregnancy. "The point is, he's not around," she concludes. "Was he ever?" Victor snorts. "Were you?" Piper shoots back with a teasing, bemused twinkle in her eye. Victor concedes the point, but insists he wants to make up for his past neglect with the littlest Psycho and whomever is currently occupying Piper's uterus. "It's a boy," Piper smiles. "Chris, actually." Victor wonders why Piper chose that particular name. "I don't know," she sighs, "and he won't tell me." "He's very secretive about the future," Piper confides. "That's the reason I asked you to come. See, he hates me, and I need you to find out why." James Read's facial expressions during all of this are hysterical -- you can tell Victor's doing his best not to judge his bizarre supernatural daughter and her bizarre supernatural pregnancy, and he's failing miserably. He finally admits, "I don't understand your Wiccan ways, but I'll try." He leans forward and starts shouting at Piper's bloated midsection. "Hello, Chris? Can you hear me?" It's cheap, but it's also far more amusing than it has any right to be, especially when Big Gay Chris's voice hits the parlor from the stairwell in reply. "Someone calling me?" Piper, who'd been vigorously mugging during all of this, calls out, "Uh, sweetie? Could you come here a sec?" "Jeez!" Victor yelps, leaping back in his seat. "He can come out?" Heh. Big Gay Chris lopes in from the main hall, takes one look at Daddy Dearest, giddily shouts, "Grandpa!" and jogs over to the startled Victor to wrap him in a hug. Piper's as shocked by all this as her father is. Big Chris -- who hasn't shaved in a couple of days and is wearing the resulting stubble quite well, thank you very much -- pulls back a bit to beam in his grandfather's face. Victor shakes off his confusion to beam right back at him.

Cut to the fa├žade of a random, anonymous high-rise hotel. Phoebe and Raige arrive for Phoebe's reunion, and the sight of their attire sucks all will to live from my body. That slinky champagne-colored slip of a thing Phoebe yanked from her closet in the pre-credits sequence? Barely covers her tits, and the NIPPLES are so sharply defined, I expect them to scrawl frantic missives into my television screen from the opposite side of the glass at any second. Raige is more fully covered, but what's more fully covering her is the fluffy pelt of a sky-blue Muppet that someone hacked from the unfortunate thing's still-bleeding flesh, fashioned into a bath mat, and then converted into a short-waisted jacket after it had spent a few years sopping up grime from the commode floor. Not the worst thing Raige has ever worn, but God knows it's coming in a close second. In any event, Phoebe's panicking, because she thinks everyone at the reunion will hate her. Raige is dismissive, for "Ask Phoebe" is the city's most popular advice column, and everyone will therefore be thrilled to see her. The NIPPLES are freezing, and have already inscribed a mysterious message onto my screen that looks something like "!YDAERLA TAOC GNIKCUF A NO TUP OT HCTIB DIPUTS SIHT TEG" I'm indifferent, because these tedious reunion scenes are simply setting up a conflict that won't become important until the closing moments of the episode, so let's keep this moving, shall we?

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Charmed

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