Castle Montanague. Raige is on her cell with Piper, getting the skinny on recent events. She's back in her emerald-green blouse, by the way, and no, I have no idea how she managed to morph from that fabulous gown back into her regular clothing again. Also? I don't care. Raige tells Piper she'd like to return to the Manor immediately, but she's gathered Montanagues past and present in the Castle's parlor for a magical intervention. Present are Buttfuck's spectral dead father, along with Benvolio, an actress who is not Marjorie Lovett, and a couple of other ghosts and humans. Long, boring story short, Buttfuck ambles through the door, guesses what's going on, shrieks, and flears on out of there. Raige pouts. Yawn.
Open Sesame. Saba toasts a few uppity henchnomads with a couple of Flaming Balls Of Death, instantly gaining the eternal devotion of those who remain. She orders Cholo to keep digging for Zanbar while she embarks on "a witch hunt" with a handful of his "best fighters."
Manor, that evening. Up in the attic, the Dolt tears a sheet of yellow legal paper from the pad upon which he'd been scribbling and balls it up in frustration as Big Gay Chris lopes in from the stairwell with the garish genie bottle, searching for the Mystical Crysticals. "What are you doing?" he wonders, crossing to the table, and believe it or not, HE FINALLY CUT HIS GODDAMNED HAIR. For those of you who don't follow the spoilers, I suppose I should explain why this bizarre rupture in the fabric of continuity has not resulted in a brain-destroying aneurysm for yours truly: This scene wasn't in the original script, and apparently was filmed after the cast returned from the December hiatus, during which Drew Fuller evidently sheared off about three inches of his lanky coif. Why am I not screaming? Well, for one thing, the scene's endearing to the point that I'm on the verge of referring to the Dolt by his real name, and for another, CHRIS FINALLY CUT HIS GODDAMNED HAIR. Anyway, the Dolt's rather cutely frustrated, because he's been trying to compose a written apology to Big Gay Chris but can't get the wording right. Big Chris beams, assuring his father that the gesture's not necessary, but you can tell he's so happy about the whole thing that he's about to burst from joy. "But after everything I've put you through," the Dolt protests, "I feel like I owe it to you." "Honestly?" Big Chris admits. "A letter's not going to mean a hell of a lot to me -- I got plenty of them growing up." "Sorry?" the Dolt asks, befuddled and a tad upset. "Uh, from my father," Chris dodges. "He wasn't around much." "That's awful," pouts the Dolt with immense amounts of Whitelightery sympathy. Hee. "You want to talk about it?" he offers, sliding out a chair for Big Chris. "No!" Chris exclaims, urging the Dolt to focus on Piper instead. The Dolt is far more concerned about Chris, who seems to have been unusually stressed out lately. "I'm concerned about you two," Chris replies. "You need to get back together already. Any chance that's gonna happen?" The Dolt shakes his head sadly and says, "I don't think so, but thanks for caring, man." "We've both moved on," he continues as he rises to amble over to fetch the Crysticals, "and nothing short of a miracle could make that happen." Chris heaves a weary sigh and gazes at the garish bottle in his hand, a cunning plan forming in his freshly-shorn head. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, sweetpea, but you really could stand to go a little bit shorter, you know what I mean?
Sun porch. Piper works on a spell while Phoenie annoys the living crap out of her. "Do I need to call Chris to shut you up?" Piper peeves. Oh, yes! Please do! "You wouldn't!" Phoenie gasps, clutching her pearls. "Keep pushing me…" Piper warns. Heh. Raige glumly orbs in with news of Buttfuck's failed intervzzzzzzzzz. Huh? Whoops. Drifted off for a moment there. "I am so sorry!" Phoebe cries. Raige gets an eyeful of the Phoenie and bursts into derisory giggles. "I'm trying to be sympathetic, and you're laughing at me?" Phoenie incredulously sings. Well, of course she is, dipshit. Look at yourself. Raige explains that she perhaps simply needed a laugh after the ordeal she just endured. "It's okay," Phoenie shrugs kindly enough. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yeah," Raige nods, "but don't you need to go help Major Nelson?" Raige and Piper dissolve into snorting blasts of laughter while Phoenie pouts, before the gals pull themselves together to address the Jinny at hand. Raige confirms that Buttfuck's spectral father is "waiting in limbo" for their call, their plan of course being that after they capture Jinny, Buttfuck's dead dad will possess her body and force her to wish Phoenie free. Just then, the boys enter from above, snickering over some private joke. Stoned Dolt presents Piper with the Crysticals while Raige smirks that the guys seem unusually chummy as of late. Stoned Dolt announces that he's finally decided to "let bygones be bygones" as Piper shoots her ex-husband a suspicious side-eye. Phoenie gulps and announces she has a confession to make. Big Gay Chris, whose hair is back to its previous, assy incarnation, wiggles the garish bottle in the air and cuts her off with, "After we talk in the kitchen." "But…" Phoenie begins. Big Chris orders her back into the bottle, however, and Phoebe resentfully dissolves into that powder-blue whirlwind that quickly vanishes. "Now that was cool," Chris grins, pointing to the bottle. You bet your ass it was, doll. Can Phoebe remain a genie for the remainder of the show's run, so the other characters might banish her to the depths of the garish shampoo bottle whenever she annoys? Please? Huh? No? Well, shit. "If you'll excuse me," Chris airily announces as he skips kitchenwards, "I'm gonna have a little one-on-one with the help." "What's he hiding now?" Piper eyebrows as the doorbell rings. Raige heads off to answer it as Stoned Dolt grins and approaches Piper with, "You know, Chris is a hell of a guy. You two really should give him a chance." Piper squints.