Charmed
I Dream Of Phoebe

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Let's Play Master And Servant

Off-screen, Raige barges through the front door with, "All right! Where's the genie?" Phoebe skedaddles to intercept her in the front parlor, Saba trailing closely behind. Raige, who's rather fetchingly clad in a long-sleeved, emerald-green, loose-fitting top with an asymmetrical neckline, enters the parlor to enthuse, "You landed one!" "She's a genie," Phoebe deadpans, "not a trout." Saba gets frisky with the exposition, reminding Phoebe she has two wishes left and suggesting she reserve one of them for Bosk. She claims that Phoebe can't defeat the demon without use of genie magic, as Bosk has that assy special effect that makes him look like a midget, as well as a gang of "forty thieves." "Thirty-eight," Phoebe corrects. "I vanquished two." Raige smirks that it's just like a demon to wish for a "crew" and a "nice ride," and wonders what his third wish will be. Just then, two large, diamond encrusted earrings flare into existence on Raige's lobes. "Did you do that?" Phoebe hisses at Saba. "No, but they are lovely!" Saba dreamily grins before rather politely inquiring as to the identity of Raige's personal "conjurer." It's Slampiece Buttfuck, of course, and according to Raige, he's been "showering [her] with gifts all week" ever since she tried and failed to convince him to bind his powers. You know, because of his mysterious and annoying problems with magic. Whatever. I can already tell there's a big, fat subplot I'll be ignoring this evening. Phoebe rolls her eyes and gets back to more important matters, repeating Raige's question regarding Bosk's third wish. "Zanbar!" Saba whispers in tones of exaggerated dread and dark portent. Phoebe and Raige are typically clueless, so Saba proceeds to describe Zanbar as "a lost city" that, "before it was swallowed by the desert," functioned as "the seat of power for an evil empire." And I have finally figured out who Saba sounds like: Edith Diaz as Rosa, Jacqueline Bisset's cracked Mexican cook in Scenes From The Class Struggle In Beverly Hills. It's probably why I -- irrationally, I'll admit -- like her so much. Rent the movie, if you can find it. It's screechingly funny, especially when Diaz tops off the brunch scene by going all mystical Aztec on Susan Saiger's unsuspecting ass. I'm giggling just thinking about it.

Anyway, Big Gay Chris pouts his way into the room to snot, "Will you do something, please? I can't orb!" just as Buttfuck conjures a rather expensive-looking diamond bracelet onto Raige's wrist. Big Chris stares at the thing all, "Damn. Demian never gets me any nice presents, and I'm fucking married to him." To which I reply, "You ain't getting shit until you CUT YOUR GODDAMNED HAIR." Phoebe, distracted from tonight's important issue by all the shiny trinkets adorning her half-sister, suggests Raige have the other Montanagues speak with the errant Buttfuck. Raige impatiently reminds the Feebs that most of Buttfuck's relatives are dead. Saba, of all people, cuts through the Buttfuck crap (would that be "santorum"? Okay, sorry. That was uncalled for) to urge the Glamorous Ladies to focus on Bosk and the dread lost city of Zanbar. The camera tracks slowly in towards her face as she warns, "Bosk has been using his thieves to search for its former site. If he finds it and wishes it back, there will be no stopping him." She turns to Phoebe and adds, "That is why you must wish me free, Master. If I am not a genie, it will solve both your problems and mine -- I beg you." Big Chris chooses this moment to get loud about his missing orbs as Raige flares, smears, and refocuses in a totally fabulous black bias-cut evening gown. I'll say this for Buttfuck: He's got better taste than Eilish. Then again, that's not much of a compliment, now is it? Phoebe's teeny little brain threatens to overheat from the swirl of hijinks around her, so she orders Raige off to Castle Montanague to deal with Buttfuck before spinning around and promising to help Chris get his parents back together. "But it has to be on my terms," she warns. "Agreed?" Big Gay Chris nods his head, so Phoebe orders him to fetch Piper, as they could use her help in dealing with the demon. There's an amusing pause wherein the dimwit, clearly forgetting that she wished Chris's orbs away mere seconds ago, stares at him all, "Well? Why aren't you leaving?" Chris just returns the stare all, "Moron? No orbs, remember?" Phoebe finally snaps to and tells Saba, "I wish that he could orb." Saba genies, and Big Chris instantly disappears upwards. Phoebe next orders Saba to follow her to the attic for some Book abuse. "Yes, Master!" Saba replies. "Phoebe!" Phoebe corrects, vanishing into the hallway. "Yes, Master Phoebe!" Saba amends, jiggling along after her. Why in hell is this amusing me so much? My sad little mind. It's totally gone, isn't it?

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Charmed

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