I Dream Of Phoebe

Episode Report Card
Demian: B | 1 USERS: B
Let's Play Master And Servant

Meanwhile, Piper macks with Hilton Cooties on the sofa in his bachelor pad as Big Gay Chris orbs into the apartment building's hall. Piper's framed within the shot so that we can see only her head and shoulders, to disguise the fact that Holly Marie Combs is, by now, three hundred and sixty-two weeks pregnant. In any event, Chris immediately pounds loudly on the door, all the while screaming his mother's name. Piper breaks the liplock with Hilton Cooties, rolls her eyes, tells Cooties to ignore the ruckus, and shoves her tongue back in his mouth. Chris, nothing if not persistent, carries on with the banging until Piper hauls her bloated, yet artfully concealed, belly off the sofa to waddle over towards the door. She flings it open to sing, "Go. AWAY!" "We have an emergency!" Chris insists. Hilton Cooties ambles over with, "Is there a problem here?" "Many problems, many levels," Chris deadpans, and Christ, he's right about that one. Also: Hee. "Excuse me?" Cooties snorts. "Who are you again?" "I'm a friend of her husband's," Chris lies. Piper practically chokes on her tongue. Snerk. "Ex-husband," she emphasizes, before adding, "And he's not really that great a friend." Poor Big Gay Chris looks wounded. Aw. Piper assures Hilton Cooties she can handle Chris on her own, so Hilton Cooties pecks her on the lips and disappears back into his apartment. Chris looks plenty skeeved. Piper pushes him backwards into the hallway, slams the door shut behind her, and hisses, "What is this big emergency? Can't it wait an hour…or two?" "There's a demon on the loose," Chris impatiently snits, ticking off each point on his fingers, "a genie run amok, and it took me two wishes to get here!" "You can't make wishes with genies!" Piper howls. "See?" Chris immediately demands. "We need you! Come on!" With that, he snatches her hand and tries to drag Piper far away from the erstwhile Hilton fiancé who wants to fuck his mom. "No!" Piper shrieks, batting at his arm. "I am not going to leave him high and dry again, so your demon can wait five minutes." Chris looks like he's going to lose it.

And odd, expensive, and entirely unnecessary digitally animated shot follows of a vast black beetle scuttling across the desert sands before we join Bosk in his underground lair. Stripping off his black leather jacket, he shouts, "Open sesame!" A portal materializes in the rock face to reveal another chamber deeper within the cave. Bosk, now clad in a form-fitting long-sleeved black turtleneck and a pair of tight khakis that are, alas, pleated, storms into the interior chamber to confront a gentleman assigned the moniker of "Head Thief," and I really wish they wouldn't leave themselves so open to cheap fellatio jokes. Oh, where to begin? I'll start by ignoring the obvious blowjob reference in favor of noting that Joey Naber's IMDb biography also credits him as "Cholo Number One" in some 1991 made-for-TV flick called Seeds Of Tragedy. As "Cholo" has far fewer letters than "Head Thief," I now have a nickname. Also, I suppose I should mention that every available bit of floor within the interior chamber is stacked with crates and chests jammed full of gold and bejeweled baubles and purportedly expensive tapestries and such. In any event, Bosk snarls that his genie was stolen because the guns he hired from Cholo were vanquished. "But they were two of my best swordsmen!" Cholo protests. Bosk reminds him that swordplay is no match for potions suspiciously appearing from Phoebe's too-tight pants, and fumes, "What the hell are witches doing way out here?" Cholo smiles and crosses to a velvet-lined box, within which lies "The Eye Of Aghbar" -- an amulet that will protect Bosk from the Glamorous Ladies' magic. Bosk is way stoked. He orders Cholo and his men to continue the search for Zanbar while he heads off to fry a little Charmed ass.

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