Charmed
It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part II

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
The Passion Of The Chris, Part II

AUAUGAUAAUUUUAGH.

Anyway. Piper's doctor enters the waiting room to cheerily reveal that she's dying, too, from an unstoppable hemorrhage, and I would say, "Blow it out your ass, douchebag, because Holly Marie Combs is in the opening credits," but then I think of Drew Fuller. And Ted King. And Shannen Doherty. Sigh. They should have killed off Greg Vaughn while they were at it. For real, though. Anyway, Phoebe and Raige get loud, so this stupid doctor calls for this stupid hospital's stupid security team to shoot the mouthy bitches to get them to shut fuck up, but at that moment, everyone save the gals shifts into slow motion. "What's going on?" Raige wonders.

Outside, a wash of glowy white mojo sweeps across the city skyline, transforming day into night.

Back in the maternity ward, everyone revs up to normal speed. The security guards amble harmlessly past Phoebe and Raige as the Glamorous Ladies realize "everything is back to normal." Piper's doctor, suddenly sober, promises to do all that he can, and exits. "[The Dolt] must have done something," Raige realizes.

He's still doing it, actually. God, Snidely's a tough fucker to kill. Eventually, however, the Dolt allows Snidely to drop to the ground, where he mutters, "You have no idea what you've done," through blistered, seared lips before collapsing into a pile of ash. His counterpart in The Bizarro World, incidentally, does likewise. The Dolts congratulate each other, urge each other to take care of their respective families, and warn each other that their worlds can never cross over again. I'm sure they will, though, because sooner or later they're going to realize they have to switch Psychos. Besides, if the Dolts went to all that trouble to tell each other that their worlds could never again cross, you can bet your ass we'll be back in Bizarroland before the end of November sweeps. That's just me making with the speculation again, though. Not that I give a rat's ass about any of this anymore. The Dolts simultaneously destroy their respective mirrors, and Our Dolt crosses into the adjoining chamber to retrieve the Psycho. Yawn.

The Only Hospital In San Francisco. The Dolt arrives on the maternity ward with the Psycho to find Phoebe and Raige pacing anxiously. The gals greet him with qualified relief as Phoebe gathers the Psycho up in her arms. The Dolt silently confirms Snidely's demise as Piper's doctor wanders up to reveal that she's "resting comfortably" after the Caesarian section they were forced to perform. "And the baby?" the Dolt asks. "Is he all right?" "You tell me," the doctor replies, opening the doors to the recovery room. As orderlies wheel Piper into the back of the room, a nurse approaches with Tiny Gay Chris, and how did such an ugly child grow up to be so pretty? I know I referred to one of last season's Done Ones as Quasimodo, Nature's Hideous Mistake, but this thing looks like its missing a few chromosomes. "He's beautiful," Phoebe croons, ignoring me. Well, she never was known for her good taste, was she? "That's your brother!" she whispers to the Psycho, who -- wait for it -- couldn't care less. "Looks like we didn't lose him after all," Raige sighs, before offering the revolting newborn a fond smile. And in the middle of all this, the Dolt for once in his life genuinely looks like he's about to cry. Go to hell, Krause. After far too many lingering close-ups of the genetic tragedy in the Dolt's arms, Phoebe asks if they might visit with Piper. The doctor allows only one of them into the recovery room, so Phoebe turns to the Dolt and says, "Go tell her that we love her." Raige nods in agreement, so the Dolt passes into the room over to Piper's bed. She's looking rather robust for a woman's who just bled out during a C-section. Stupid show. The Dolt eases Tiny Gay Chris into her arms, and she glances out into the hallway to beam at her sisters before gazing down lovingly at her repulsive infant. Recast! Immediately! She offers the Dolt a smile. The Dolt pivots to grin at the ex-sisters-in-law. The ex-sisters-in-law flash their teeth in kind. Everyone's happy but me. Fuck all of you. And then, just to piss me off some more, they break with five seasons' worth of precedent to end the season with a pair of anonymous, battleship-grey hospital doors swinging shut. And what do the doors rather anviliciously scream? RECOVERY! Yeah, RECOVER Big Gay Chris, assholes, and then maybe we can talk. Bastards.

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Charmed

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