It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I

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The Passion Of The Chris, Part I

Fade up on the big gay hand of Big Gay Chris as it slides a volume from one of the upper shelves of the Not!warts library. We follow the book as the camera pans with it to reveal Big Gay Chris atop a ladder, with Raige far below him scribbling something onto a sheet of paper at the table; Snidely flips open another tome behind her. "You know," Big Chris snorts, "your time travel section is due for a serious overhaul. I mean, I can find more information Googling." Snidely pauses in his task to eyebrow, "'Googling'?" Shut up, Snidely. My pretty, pretty husband apparently agrees with me, for he rolls his eyes, breathes a condescending, "Never mind," and eases himself down the ladder to join his aunt at the table. "Any luck with that spell yet?" he wonders. Raige hauls her scraggly head of hair up from her work to peeve, "You mean, in the last two minutes since you asked me?" Chris is all, "Back off, Snarly Girl. It's just that my birthday is in two days, and if I'm not outta here before I'm born…" "Something bad that you don't know about could happen?" Raige prompts with a teasing glint in her eye. Chris shoots her A Look before insisting he simply doesn't want to take any chances. Besides, he notes, as he's accomplished what he returned to the past to achieve -- saving his dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother from The Dark Side, in case you've forgotten since last week -- it's time for him to go home. Cue the entrance of Big Gay Chris's massively pregnant mother and massive ass of a father, who wander into the library from points unknown with a set of overnight bags on wheels. "Oh, no, no, no!" Chris exclaims, skittering across the room with an equally agitated Raige. "You're early!" Piper tells him to cool it. She's not in labor, she's simply having the Dolt take some of her things back to the Manor in anticipation of leaving Not!warts for good in a couple of days. "Just don't scare me," Chris pleads, clearly stressed. Perhaps part of that stress is due to the fact that he and Raige are inexplicably dressed as some bizarre version of The Wonder Twins, what with their matching yellow under grey over green outfits this evening. Raige's take on this sartorial trope is a yellow beater beneath a grey, spaghetti-strapped cotton top over a pair of olive cargoes, with Chris in a crew-neck long-sleeved yellow shirt beneath a grey jacket over brighter green chinos. No, I have no idea what it all signifies, so stop looking at me. I'm just recording the facts, here, people.

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