It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I

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The Passion Of The Chris, Part I

…Our Not!warts, where the preternaturally patient Mrs. Winterbourne is coaching a resistant Piper through her breathing exercises. Piper's curled up on a vast, canopied bed, wincing in pain as each contraction hits. Upon Snidely's arrival, we learn that Piper's water's already broken, and it's Mrs. Winterbourne's advice that they get her to the hospital immediately. Snidely lies that he hasn't seen Phoebe and Raige in quite some time, and urges Piper to follow Mrs. Winterbourne's advice. Piper frets, because who shall look after the perpetually imperiled Psycho, currently ensconced in his product-placed playpen across the room? "Don't worry," Snidely murmurs. "I'll take care of him." He shoots the Psycho a shady glare before disappearing into the final commercial break.

Bizarro Barbas's Underground Arboreal Retreat. Staring. Glaring. Staring some more. Finally, Phoebe breaks the ice by noting, "Nice knuckles. Brass?" "No," Phauxhawk replies. "Tiffany's." Okay, that's a little funny. The gals snipe at each other for a very long time, Bizarro Barbas makes like a hippie by urging them to work through their differences peacefully, and the ladies finally retreat to separate good-versus-evil corners to strategize. The individual sessions are quickly intercut with each other, and we realize both sets of gals are having the exact same conversation, which is far more entertaining than it has any right to be. While each pair would like to vanquish the other, they understand that doing so would fatally upset the balance between the worlds, so they agree to knock the other set out in order to flee the scene with Big Gay Chris and the Dolt. "Good," the Raiges conclude, "we'll orb out and grab them from behind." The Raiges and Phoebes turn back towards each other in unison, clasping hands and dissolving into clouds of orbs and, uh, Darklighter stuff at the same time. The two clouds rise to smash into each other above the center of the garden, with the resulting explosion sending each cloud back to from whence it originated to dump the Phoebes and Raiges on their respective asses. "That sucked," opines Phauxhawk. "I'll take mine, you take yours," Phoebe instructs Raige. Phauxhawk stalks past Raige to engage in a little Feeb-fu with her doppelganger as Baige conjures a Darklighter crossbow and begins shooting arrows at Raige. Raige hollers, "Arrow!" over and over again, sending the things to the ground with her orbing telekinesis. Meanwhile, in a quick and fairly well done combat sequence, Alyssa Milano basically fights herself for all of ten seconds. I think they limited it to ten seconds because they knew they couldn't maintain the illusion any longer than that, but you know what? For once they've made the right decision, so let's keep this moving, shall we?

Baige, realizing the futility of her situation, drops the crossbow and searches for a more effective weapon. She and Raige arrive at the same idea simultaneously, and both summon nearby rocks with their different forms of telekinesis. The rocks collide in midair above the guys' heads with enough force to send a shockwave through the garden. As Raige and Baige summon ever larger boulders for the next few go-rounds, Bizarro Barbas, Big Gay Chris, and the Dolt slide into slow motion to dive out of the way, landing in a pit of dirt nearby. "When [Snidely] said something could go wrong with the portal," Big Chris pants, "I don't think he knew how wrong." Bizarro Barbas is all, "[Snidely]? Not knowing how wrong this all is? Surely you jest." Big Gay Chris and the Dolt make "uh oh" faces at each other.

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