Charmed
It's A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I

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The Passion Of The Chris, Part I

In this place and in this hour,
We call upon the ancient power:
Open the door through time and space
To create a path to another place.

The triquatra flares, expands, and vanishes to reveal a tunnel of blue mojo shimmering through the wall. Big Gay Chris and the Dolt take a couple of steps forward and vanish. I'm going to pretend the portal didn't immediately close the moment they passed through, thereby preventing the passage of their doppelgangers from Bizarro World into our own, because I'm enjoying this episode so far, and I'm not going to let that stupid production error ruin it for me.

Big Gay Chris and the Dolt emerge from the corresponding triquatra chalked onto the wall in Bizarro Not!warts, and draw themselves up short when they realize they're being filmed with the blue-tinted ChinoCam. Sorry, they actually stop short when they realize they're standing opposite the Bizarro Glamorous Ladies. Bizarro Piper doesn't look much different, though she is clad in black and wearing a smidge more eyeliner than Our Piper normally does. Bizarro Raige apparently retained her high school hairdo through her twenties and is also clad in black, as is Bizarro Feebs, who's sporting an asinine fauxhawk and a pair of brass knuckles. Bizarro Snidely, meanwhile, has a too-friendly hand on Bizarro Phoebe's shoulder, if you know what I mean. The shot cuts to give us a full-length look at the Bizarro Gals, and I have no idea what's keeping that top attached to Rose McGowan's boobs. She'd best not jump up and down too much for the rest of the hour, or we're going to have some serious mammary spillover. Big Chris, not taking his eyes of the Bizarro foursome, murmurs, "Where are we?" The Dolt, momentarily speechless, turns his head in time to watch the portal snap shut, but not before the camera shoots through the effect to deposit us in the regular Not!warts, where Bizarro Dolt answers, "I have no idea." Bizarro Dolt's goateed, and his hair has been gelled and twisted into a scalp-covering series of spikes that make him look like Pinhead from Hellraiser. How appropriate, given his counterpart's nickname. Bizarro Chris sports an eyebrow piercing and Peter Frampton's hair. I'd still totally do him. Also, he looks even more gay than his regular self, if that's at all possible. The regular Glamorous Ladies gape at the new arrivals as we slam into the commercial break.

Regular Not!warts. "Something's gone wrong!" Snidely shouts. "Don't let them leave!" He charges towards the Pinhead, who flips him into the Feebs. Snidely and the Feebs collapse into a pile of annoying on the floor as Even Gayer Big Chris conjures a Darklighter's crossbow, which smokes into his right hand. He raises it, aims at Raige, and squeezes the trigger. Piper gasps and tosses out a freeze. After a beat, she bats the frozen arrow out of the air and spits, "Are you out of your mind?" Because I'm enjoying this episode so much, I'll not remind her she risks serious harm to both herself and Fetal Gay Chris by touching a Darklighter's arrow. Besides, that was a funny bit. The Pinhead orders Even Gayer Big Chris to follow him, and the two darklight on out of there. "The hell was that all about?" Phoebe shrieks, leaping to her feet. Piper and Raige have similar reactions, demanding an explanation from Snidely. He vamps for a bit, lying that perhaps "the spell wasn't specific enough," before launching into an explanation of tonight's central conceit. The Glamorous Ladies actually opened a portal to "a parallel world that's the exact reverse" of their own, in which the good are evil and vice versa. It's all part of "the grand design," you see, "a universe designed to maintain balance -- light and dark, yin and yang," because for "good to prevail in this world, an equally evil world must exist" and blee blah nonsensicalcakes, but what the hell do you expect? They screwed up time travel. Do you really expect them to concoct a parallel universe scheme that makes any goddamned sense? It makes even less sense when Snidely explains that, as Bizzaroland is a mirror world, "whatever happens there happens here." What? No, Snidely, if it's really a mirror world, then whatever happens there is the opposite of what happens here. Which means that in Bizarroland, Piper should be a lazy sow, Raige should be running a Fortune 500 company, the Dolt should be smart, Chris should be straight, Phoebe should be a nun, and you should be interesting. Well, that last part's true, but otherwise, whatever! Because I'm enjoying this episode so much, I'll keep the "good are evil and vice versa" thing and dump everything else. The gals quickly descend into squabbling, with Piper demanding they follow the Dolt and Big Gay Chris into Bizarroland to drag them back into the real world, Phoebe insisting Piper's in no condition for an adventure, and Raige fretting about the current location of the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris. Snidely, in the guise of being helpful, suggests going after the Pinhead and Even Gayer Chris now, as the longer they remain in our world, the greater the chance they'll do something that would fatally upset the delicate balance between good and evil, or something like that. The gals look worried. Snidely looks dull. Cut to...

…the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, where the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris have retired for a processing summit. Even Gayer Chris knocks back a Dos Equis as the Pinhead sneers, "Have you ever seen anything so good?" "It's disgusting," Even Gayer Chris opines. "Can you believe all the liquor stores are closed in the morning?" Because the easy availability of booze equals evilness and sin. Which means I've been living in Bizarro Chicago for the last eighteen years. Even Gayer Chris finishes off his beer and languidly lets the empty bottle drop towards the road deck far below. The Pinhead vaults into some sort of rumination on the similarities between our world and his, but I'm totally not paying attention because I want to find out what happens to that beer bottle. The soundtrack eventually obliges me with a faraway tinkle as the bottle shatters on something below, followed by the screeching of tires, what seems to be a multi-car pileup, and tinny, distant screams. Hee! Even Gayer Chris notes that our world should give his pinheaded father "an idea of the awful, saccharine future" he came from, and his use of the word "saccharine" amuses me to no end. The Bizarro Boys complain some more about their current situation, with Even Gayer Chris noting that they can't rely on "those Pollyanna witches" to reopen the portal (and I really want to see The Bizarro World's version of Pollyanna -- indeed, its version of any Disney movie at all) before Even Gayer Chris seethes, "God! Who do I have to kill so we can get out of here?" You can practically see the lightbulb go off over the Pinhead's, um, head as he squints, "I think I might know somebody. Somebody we can use to force the sisters to help us." Instead of, oh, asking the Pinhead who that certain somebody would be and darklighting off the bridge in search of said person, Even Gayer Chris nods his wig around thoughtfully and gazes out to sea.

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