Previously on Charmed, last week.
Currently on Charmed, the camera fades up on the sunnily lit kitchen table, covered with newspaper upon which lie the guts of the pumpkin Piper's busily and quite violently carving into a jack-o'-lantern. Believe it or not, this is only the second Halloween-themed episode this show's aired in eight years. I don't think I'm spoiling anything at this point when I note that the last one, even with the horror that was Cole's Peter Frampton wig, was much, much better. In any event, one of the pieces of newsprint conveniently happens to be the front page of that morning's All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, which is emblazoned with the headline "What's The Big Secret?" above a blurry black and white photograph of the gals from last week's slow-motion strut through the Homeland Security department's San Francisco bureau. "Dang!" Muggy McGowan exclaims after she's entered from the dining room beyond, placed her hands on her hips, widened her eyes, and tugged the corners of her overly rouged lips into a hideous grimace. "What'd that pumpkin ever do to you?" "Nothing!" Piper barks back at her by way of response. "I'm venting!" Before Raige can question Piper on this, the cordless starts bleating on the center island. Raige crosses to answer, but Piper snaps at her lippy bastard of a half-sister to let the thing drop into voicemail. "Oprah's people," you see, have been calling the Manor incessantly, attempting to browbeat the morons therein into appearing on a special La Winfrey's preparing on "lady spies." I can tell you from firsthand experience that La Winfrey's people can be quite persistent, and Piper might possibly be taking her life in her own hands by refusing to return their calls. Pretend you didn't hear that from me, though. Oprah Winfrey scares me more than the dead-eyed Psycho does.
Anyway, Piper's not interested in the offer, nor is she interested in the one from some movie producer who's been trying to buy the rights to the gals' story for a feature film. The Retarded Bimbo lopes into the room at this point to annoy Piper, Raige, and the general audience with her egregious stupidity, lisping line deliveries, and maggot neck. (By the way, no thanks to payndz on the forum boards for pointing said maggot neck out to me. You're banned, dude. Yeesh.) Piper and Raige, however, have the option of ignoring The Retard, an option they enthusiastically embrace to blather around the bleach blonde black hole of suck about the ongoing media scrum resulting from Agent Murphy's press conference. Piper, mindful of what happened the last time the media intruded on their lives, name-checks The Late Lamented while Raige attempts to assure Piper that everything will blow over once the reporters besieging the Manor finally realize there's no real story to be had. Piper's not having that, though, so Raige promises to deal with the reporter problem herself. That should work out well for everyone involved. Not. Idiot.