First, a short note. I wrote the following unaware of the article in Fridays Hollywood Reporter revealing that Shannen Doherty is taking her act -- and her bitchy attitude -- on the road. Those of you expecting commentary on this development in this weeks recap will be sorely disappointed. Now, on with the show.
Ive heard tell in the forums that this episode will be the last lighthearted one for quite some time. If so, kill me. Now. Drama does not wear well on this program.
Case in point: Phoebe Halliwell. The episode opens with her forlornly ensconced in the manor parlor. The Book of Shadows lies open in her lap. She gazes sadly at a photo-booth strip of pictures of herself and Cole in happier times. Dejectedly, she pastes the strip onto a blank page facing the one devoted to Belthazor. After despondently contemplating this for a moment, she miserably scrawls Coles human FoRm across the top of the page in her childish hand. At this point, I should care for her welfare. I should care that she lost her boyfriend -- or as she put it herself, her soul mate -- to the Forces of Evil. I should care that this loss might cause her to behave in a manner unbefitting a Charmed One. I should care that shes marring the otherwise well-done Book of Shadows with her amateurish scribbling. I care about none of these things. Why? Because Drama Does Not Wear Well On This Program. Because These People Cannot Act. Because The Writers Suck At Scripting Anything Other Than Broad, Magic-Related Comedy.
Im sorry. I suppose Im being bitter. Maybe its because I wasted three hours of my life Saturday watching The Patriot. (Its not TV. Its historically-inaccurate Mel Gibson crapfests.) Maybe its the article I read in this weeks New Yorker about the toxic environment broadcast network executives force their creative teams to endure. I realize I should not take such frustrations out on the cast and crew of Charmed. That said, if the last two episodes are any indication of the direction in which this show is headed, I repeat: Kill me. Now.
Well. With that out of the way, lets settle in for another thrilling episode, shall we? Returning from a date, Prue enters the manor and sets down her wrap. Shes wearing a chocolate-colored tube top and a white skirt that either has rather strategically-placed triangular panels sewn into it, or its so sheer that Im looking at her panties. Phoebe asks why Prue chose not to invite her latest conquest inside. Prue accuses Phoebe of eavesdropping. Phoebe replies that she must get her romance vicariously through her sisters dating exploits, now that she again is a single woman. Take out an ad in the personals, sweetie. And put a sock in it while youre at it. Prue flips her hair around a bit and turns to enter the parlor. To my immense relief, her skirt upon closer inspection is indeed a series of triangular panels sewn together. I dont think I could handle looking at Shannen Dohertys unmentionables all evening. Prue announces that her love life lately could be rated PG for Pretty Grim. Phoebe decides this is because Prue is holding out for Mr. Right, as opposed, presumably, to Mr. Right Now. Prue insists shed gladly settle for any or all of the Messrs. Interesting, Personality, or Take My Breath Away. Phoebe darkly warns against the latter, promising that those types tend to spring nasty surprises on the unsuspecting. To emphasize her point, she draws a thick arrow leading to a photo of Cole with her black Sharpie. Prue gasps in horror that her youngest sister is destroying the integrity of the Book of Shadows with her kindergarten doodling, and forcefully TKs Phoebe into an unfortunate plant stand before she can do more irreparable harm to the familys most-valuable heirloom. Kidding. She doesnt do any of that. Rather, she sits on the arm of the sofa to read from Phoebes entry. Cole likes walks in the park, jazz, and fine wine. And licking up the blood of Protestant babies as it drips from their lifeless bodies after hes nailed them to the door of a Catholic cathedral. Oops. Sorry. I have no idea where all of this latent hostility is coming from tonight. Could it be the last twenty episodes? Okay, the last two, then.