Charmed
Lost And Bound

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Demian: B | Grade It Now!
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You Lost Me

No secret phrase tonight. Just scream in pain whenever Phoebe's on screen. Lord knows I did.

Remember that offhand comment I made about Raige being the Firestarter? And do you remember Stan from last week? Yeah, my initial impulse was to call him Leland Palmer because of that shellacked widow's peak 'do he had going. So, guess what? This week's episode features both a Firestarter and Leland Palmer. We'll chalk this one up to coincidence, but if next week's episode features a reference to Frances Farmer, I'm going to sue. For my sanity's sake, at any rate. Anyway, on with the recap.

Bimbo Boudoir. The lady of the room perches on her bed with a basket of laundry, looking surprisingly fetching in a chartreuse off-the-shoulder top that could double as a sausage casing. Seriously, sweetheart, you look good and everything, but give the Fun Bags some room to breathe. Phoebe briskly snaps a pair of Cole's white boxer briefs and inspects them before folding them onto the pile to her left. I'll pause to let all of you McMahon fans out there get a good mental image of what those boxer briefs look like with him in them. Speaking of Cole, into the Boudoir he strolls with an affable "Guess what?" Phoebe smirks and guesses Cole is there to help her fold clothes. "Uh, no," he snorts, looking like he'd rather suck on a can of Drano than help with the laundry. Phoebe smiles conspiratorially and asks, "What good is being a witch if I can't just twitch my nose and make the laundry fold itself?" Cole's puzzled. "Which witch can do that?" "Samantha Stephens?" Phoebe prompts, and the closed captioning along with the Internet Movie Database tell me I've been spelling the poor woman's last name incorrectly for many, many years. At least I always got "Durwood" right. Besides, it's not like the good Mrs. Stephens isn't going to suffer a far worse fate at the hands of Alyssa Milano's performance this evening or anything. Cole remains clueless, as indicated by the half-dozen reaction shots of his blank face the editor saw fit to include at this moment. Phoebe explains that Bewitched is "only, like, one of [her] favorite old television shows," and admits she still has a hard time remembering Cole's "only been fully human for, like, a month." Uh-huh. Are you, like, trying to tell me that the Colethazor never, like, sat down with, like, a six-pack in front of the TV on one of his, like, nights off? 'Cause that's, like, bullshit. I'll let that particular bullshit slide, though, because the bullshit coming up is going to sap the will to live through this hour right out of my body, and we haven't even hit the opening credits yet. ["And didn't we just do this on the most recent ep of Roswell? Sigh." -- Sars]

So, Cole paces away from Phoebe and asks, "What would you say if I really became fully human and got a job?" Seems a legal aid lawyer at THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES quit, and Raige recommended Cole as a replacement. Phoebe too-brightly urges Cole to jump at this opportunity, as it will both "keep [him] busy and help [him] find [his] identity." After a beat, she neurotically adds, "While I lose mine." What? What? Cole calls her on this for me, eliciting the following from his intended. Pardon me for quoting it in its entirety, but you'll need the text of the speech to understand the full-throated howl of disgust that follows it:

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Charmed

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