Charmed
Lucky Charmed

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
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This Show Blows, And I Want To Die

Manor attic. Phoebe's scrying crystal has pinpointed Piper's present position, but the remaining Ps despair over ever rescuing their lost sibling, given their current run of bad luck. Raige brainstorms for a bit, then bedecks the Feebs with various "lucky" amulets and hands her Jimmy The Runt's shillelagh. Phoebe's to force a premonition of Jimmy using the shillelagh, you see, so the gals can access his rainbow. The Feebs succeeds, in the evening's second premonitionless premonition. Once she repeats the appropriate phrase aloud, Jimmy The Runt's rainbow arcs into the attic. Raige is way stoked.

Munchkinland. Mute. Oooh, there's a Chinese leprechaun, too. And an African-American one! Munchkinland's just one big vertically challenged Benetton ad, isn't it? And isn't it terrifying that "Benetton" is included in Microsoft Word's dictionary? What? Yeah, yeah. Episode. Gotcha. The midgets prepare to abandon their homeland. Raige and The Vile Cooter bow in to enlist the little guys' aid in retrieving their sister from The Lair Of The Moltisanti. The United Colors Of Munchkinland agree. It's actually Raige who wins them over with a stirring oration on the nature of good, or something, but I'm so embarrassed for Rose McGowan this evening, I'll not be transcribing the drivel they've placed in her mouth. Scene.

Lair Of The Moltisanti. Even though Piper's hands are free, she's not using them to freeze the poisonous snake dangling inches above her head. Nor is she blowing it up. Don't ask me. I'm not responsible for this shit. Raige orbs in with The Vile Cooter, and the two arrivals scamper over to Piper's side. Big Bad Greg ambles in, making with the threats and such. As soon as he hits his mark at the center of the room, Raige summons The United Colors Of Munchkinland, who bow in in groups of two and three. As one, they fling their trouser nuggets on Big Bad Greg's head while chanting, "[Incorrectly Captioned] ort! [Incorrectly Captioned] ort!" I'm wondering if they're meant to be using some form of the word "fulaing," which, when combined with "ort," should approximate "Suffering unto you." I suppose we shall never know. Nor, really, will we care.

Big Bad Greg absorbs all of the bad luck The United Colors Of Munchkinland have to offer, then gets smeared by a meteor. Wait a minute. Did I neglect to mention that The Vile Cooter's been nagging everyone everywhere about "this week's meteor shower"? Sorry. I blame The Pants. With Big Bad Greg reduced to a greasy smudge of gore at the bottom of a terribly deep yet remarkably narrow impact crater, it's time for The Lessons Of The Week. First up to bat is Raige, who reveals she's learned that magic owes her nothing. Because of this, the ER munchkin gives her Jimmy The Runt's shillelagh. "Doesn't matter what brings a person," he tells her, "only what they leave with." And that's...one to grow on.

Next up? Piper and the Dolt. That evening in a packed P3, Piper admits that she's selling the club after Rawkin' Pat's performance. "Being a mother-slash-Charmed One-slash-businesswoman is just one slash too many," she tells her husband. "Something's got to give." The Dolt confesses that the thing that's giving is his full-time job. The ever-useless Elders have granted him paternity leave so he can stay at home to care for The Percolated Infant. Piper's surprised, of course, but also pleased. They move in for a clinch as Pat Benatar takes the stage. "You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasies! The invincible winner -- and you know that you were born to be!" And that's...two to grow on. It also RAWKS, but I think you already knew that.

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Charmed

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