Magic Hour

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | Grade It Now!
Magic Hour

No "previously on Charmed" this week, which I assume is an indication that all expectations regarding series continuity are out the window. Watch me be right. A brief establishing shot of the sun shining through the Golden Gate Bridge, and we're flung right into an opening montage of nuptially-challenged Piper "The Sweet One" Halliwell being harassed at every turn. Ladies in curlers avidly paging through bridal magazines at the beauty parlor! Gals from the steno pool squealing over engagement rings in the elevator! A pneumatic bleach blonde in full wedding princess regalia sweeping down the street in an open convertible! Bitches! All of them! Bitches!

Cut to the dining room of the Halliwell Manor, where we catch Prue "The Smart One" and Phoebe "And Then There's the Ho!" Halliwell in mid-conversation while they toy with yellow and orange cardboard eyeglasses that look like the ones I once donned to watch Ann Miller tap dance on a coffee table in all her three-dimensional horror. "She's gonna choose you," Prue states. "You get to hang out with her a lot more." Phoebe counters that Piper's known Prue longer, and that they had "bonding time" before Phoebe had been born. Prue notes that children of one and three years of age don't bond, and color me extremely male, but I have no idea what they're really talking about. Prue is wearing a two-toned pink scarf top with no apparent supporting undergarment. I'll go out on a limb and guess the shades of pink are called "blush" and "bashful." I'll go even further out on that limb and call what that top is covering "Droopy" and "Sag." Phoebe's more conservatively attired in a standard-issue strappy patterned slut top. Phoebe finishes fiddling with a pair of the glasses and slides them onto her face. Prue for some reason has waited until this moment to ask Phoebe what the glasses are for. Phoebe perks that they're for viewing the eclipse just as Piper peevishly enters the Manor through the front door.

Prue and Phoebe drop what they're doing to confront the irritable Piper. Turns out they were wondering which sister gets to be the maid of honor at Piper's wedding ceremony. Okay, I'm extremely male. Or maybe I'm so passionately averse to the topic of the dating relationships on this show, I'm unable to process blatantly obvious information related to those relationships. Anyway, Piper's having none of this wedding talk and snits off a list of traditional wedding accoutrements she's not allowed to have, including guests, a cake, a band, and flowers. She then wonders why, after all that, they'd assume she'd be allowed bridesmaids. Phoebe and Prue drag her to the couch for a little pep talk. Long story short, Piper still has issues with the whole "Stealth Elopement" plan agreed upon in last week's episode. I really want to feel something other than apathy for her at this moment, but she's being petty. Prue gives voice to my line of thinking by stating, "Okay, maybe you're not getting your dream wedding, but you are getting your dream guy."

On cue, the Orb Sound kicks in, and Leo "Her Heavenly Dream, My Frat-Boy Nightmare" Wyatt appears on the landing above the ladies. Phoebe sings out an exultant "Leo!" only to modify that to a whispered greeting when he tells her to pipe down. Leo's come with some bad news: The Powers That Be want an answer in twenty-four hours regarding Piper and Leo's illicit love affair. To remind everyone one more time: either Piper and Leo break up, or Leo gets reassigned and the Halliwells never see him again. Leo again suggests they marry immediately, and Piper again reveals she's worried about getting caught, which would precipitate the "unspeakable wrath" of The Powers That Be, "the likes of which [the sisters] can't even imagine." Leo tells the three Ps that, now that there's an official deadline, TPTB will be listening very closely to all Halliwell/White Lighter gabfests over the next day. Mention of the "W word" is strictly verboten. Prue reads my thoughts again and wonders aloud how they can proceed with the wedding if TPTB are watching them like hawks. She then turns to Phoebe to ask if a solution can be found in the Book of Shadows. As I wait in vain for TPTB to smite the four of them immediately for holding this discussion in the first place, Phoebe notes she found nothing on the topic, and adds that she's still hung up on the "unspeakable wrath" thing. "Is that just the bride and groom," she deadpans, "or does it also include bridesmaids?" Snicker.

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