ANY-way. Cut to Piper, seated at her dressing table up in the Bridal Boudoir, smearing a homemade mud mask all over her face. The PVO adds, "For Piper, the only sign she really needed was the one that reminded her she wasn't alone." And...that wasn't Piper's Issue Of The Goddamned Week at all, you stupid VO. God, Phoebe. Can't you do anything right, you stupid bitch? In any event, the Dolt ambles in to plant a sloppy wet one on Piper's cheek, in the process getting her mud mask all over his lips. In a clearly improvised and somewhat cute bit, Holly Marie Combs at first tries to wipe the gunk off Brian Krause's mouth, but then just snickers and smears some of the goo all over his nose. And in the only shot that made me laugh out loud this week, the camera cuts over to Phoebe's fingers pecking away on her keyboard before pulling a long, slow pan up Alyssa Milano's heavily befurred forearms. HA! Hee hee hee. I'm so busy giggling, that I nearly miss the end of the PVO, which escorts us to episode's close with, "As for me, I discovered that -- just like Alice -- no matter how wild the ride, signs will sometimes lead you right back to where you started from. Changed. Different. But home." The fuck? Since when was the newspaper office ever your goddamned home, Phoebe? She ignores me, because she is a cow. With beaver pelts stapled to her forearms. Phoebe examines her "Julie Bennett" employee ID for a moment before locking eyes with Vex Pexter, who ambles into the paper's main room at that very minute with a pair of NIPPLES all his very own. This criminally stupid episode ends with Phoebe typing -- in 72-point font, mind you -- "and they lived happily ever after..." Wow, this show sucks.
Next week, Piper gets arrested, but that's not the problem. No, the problem is her aggressive bull dyke of a cellmate. Yes, Brad Kern went there, and yes, Brad Kern should be set on fire for it. I've got the gasoline -- anyone have a match?