Malice In Wonderland

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
Down The Bimbo-Hole

...a cop, emerging from her prowler to issue Raige a citation for "rolling through a stop sign," and the only thing interesting about this entire scene is Raige's fake ID for her glamoured identity. No, seriously, particularly because "Josephine Bennett" has bizarrely Victorian penmanship for a 22-year-old Amazon from Los Angeles, but most especially because this little encounter is about to push Raige into the most ludicrous and hatefully stupid subplots I think I've ever seen on this show. But more on that later, for just as Raige gets out of her ticket because the cop's got to race to the scene of "a missing person found," we cut over to...

...a pair of notorious Israeli boobs clad in a black t-shirt that reads "White Rabbit" as their owner saunters down a dank and forbidding alleyway elsewhere in the city, followed closely by some gormless and horny twat of a simp named Alastair. "I thought you said we were going to a garden party, or something," Alastair guhs. "We are," Little Miss Notoriety assures him. "You don't want to be late, do you? Because we're very, very late." See what they're doing here? Good. And I hate to admit this, but if they'd cut out all the crap about Phoebe trying to get laid and all the crap about Raige on another goddamned quest for meaning and purpose in her life and all the impending crap about Piper and her stupid normalcy addiction and all the utterly pointless crap about The Retarded Bimbo being a retarded bimbo to focus solely on ripping off Alice In Wonderland, I don't think this episode would have ended up being as miserably bad as it did. In any event, horny Alastair begins to have second thoughts, but The Notorious Israeli Boobs rub themselves all over his scrawny chest as their owner brushes her lips against his, so Alastair's brain drops three feet down into his pants, and that's the end of him. "I promised you an adventure, didn't I?" Little Miss Notoriety smiles. "Well, it's down there," she adds, gesturing towards a sewer grating. Horny Alastair hunches over to examine the thing and is immediately blown into a cloud of horny Alastair bits that find themselves sucked into the hole in the ground. Little Miss Notoriety smirks in triumph for a moment, but then quickly dissolves into a cloud of inky shards and disappears when she hears someone approaching. That someone is, of course, The Retarded Bimbo, in last week's hookerwear and accompanied by that funky Melrose Place beat and so the next five seconds of screentime are yanked immediately into the Bleach-Blonde Black Hole Of Suck where they are rapidly torn asunder by titanic forces of badness and evil and HATE and destroyed and we suddenly find ourselves...

...down in the sewer with that gormless and horny twat of a simp Alastair, who's yelling for help and receiving no response. Eventually, he turns to examine his surroundings while wondering, "Where the hell am I?" "Down the rabbit hole!" the suddenly appearing Haas perks as he and Little Miss Notoriety amble on up from the shadows. "Alastair In Wonderland?" Haas muses, shooting Little Miss Notoriety a grin. "Close enough." The three vanish into an abrupt and oddly placed commercial break.

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