Charmed
Malice In Wonderland

Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
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Down The Bimbo-Hole

...Not!warts, of course, because Brad Kern is a lousy writer, and that transition would have made far more sense had we cut over to The Retarded Bimbo's palatial dorm room, but what the fuck ever. Haas and Little Miss Notoriety rehash recent events and come to the half-correct conclusion that Little Miss Notoriety actually encountered two of the glamoured Charmed Ones in The Dank And Forbidding Alleyway Of Dodgson-Inspired Doom. They decide to leave the skinny little lazy-ass dipshit teenagers alone for now and target the Manor Morons, and...that should rate a DUN!, should it not? And yet it doesn't, because this episode sucks even more than the last one did. I wonder what it's like to plow through an entire season of recaps dispensing nothing but well-deserved F grades to each and every installment? I suppose at the rate this year is going, I'll find out soon enough.

Manor. Up in the Bridal Boudoir, Piper has buried herself beneath the duvet on the bed and, as her Dolt of a husband warily eyes the lumpy down-filled mass from the doorway, proceeds to bitch and piss and moan about every single aspect of the normal life she now -- after seven years of whining for it -- has. There follows an entirely misplaced monologue from the shrew in question about how her life seems to be flying past her, or something, and of course Holly Marie Combs sells the hell out of it, especially because of all the metacommentary she's delivering about the lost last seven years of her own, but that's not the point. The point is this could have been an effective little character scene had it appeared towards the end of last season -- or even somewhere in the sixth -- but because they've dropped it into the middle of so poorly constructed an episode with zero build-up to this mini-midlife crisis she's having, she's coming across as a thoroughly ungrateful bitch. God, this show sucks.

In any event, the long-suffering and wrinkly Dolt offers a few soothing words of comfort and advice before lavishing the wife with a stream of compliments that Piper rather amusingly fends off with a too-modest, "Oh, stop." Heh. "You can't sacrifice yourself for so many people for so many years and not expect a transitional period," the Dolt sagely counsels. "You have to be patient." "And what do I do about the guilt?" Piper asks, finally getting to the damned point of this scene. "What guilt?" frowns the Dolt. "The guilt I feel when I know very bad things are happening out there," Piper explains, "and I'm not doing anything about it." And then the Dolt, as is his wont, fucking ruins everything by telling her to forget about all that, because after having paid her dues for so many years, it's now Piper's time to be "selfish." You really want another goddamned Phoebe in the house, Dolt? 'Cause that's what you're going to end up with if you keep dispensing crappy advice like that. Moron.

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Charmed

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