"And now, an all-new Charmed. 'Phoebe's Wedding.'"
I don't hate weddings. Really. After all, I've participated in more than my fair share of them -- from my brother's on a mountainside in Perry County, Pennsylvania, in 1978 to his daughter's on a beach in Maryland a year ago, with various commitment ceremonies of both the heterosexual and the homosexual sort littered throughout the intervening twenty-three years. And I've never had a problem with them. Well, except for the rubbery chicken Kiev at the receptions and the ill-considered attempts at "personalized" and "unique" vows. Then again, everyone hates those things. I mention all this because I don't want you to walk away from what is certain to be a bile-filled recap of tonight's episode thinking I'm some sort of embittered queer theorist with patriarchy issues. However, having suffered in the last few years through Piper's attempts to make it to the altar, the innumerable and tiresome wedding plotlines involving various configurations of the despised million-dollar Friends, the aborted nuptials of both Carol Hathaway and Xander and Anya, and the outright hideousness that was the second trip down the aisle for the Flashes, I've just about had it. I don't think I can suffer through another goddamned TV wedding without my head exploding. If you're the praying sort, offer up a few words for me now as I attempt to make it through the next hour with both sanity and skull intact.
The scene: A cozy little rough-hewn stone church. Which should spark a heated discussion on the boards about how committed the Halliwells really are to their Wiccan heritage. You'd think Phoebe would prefer to stage an outdoor ceremony at some Bay Area promontory at sunrise on the vernal equinox in order to be at one with the Goddess and the elements and the regeneration of life and whatnot, and you'd be wrong. The altar area is a riot of elaborate and expensive-looking floral arrangements, which -- correct me if I'm wrong -- should be installed the day of the ceremony, not the afternoon before. Expect droop. Other areas feature swags of satin and flounces of chiffon and, perhaps to offset the impending floral droop, an array of candles that are best described as priapic.