Piper walks into the room, saying into the phone, "Everything's going to be fine. Just make sure you have enough beer, turn the music up, turn the lights down low, and you'll be fine, all right?" She's either giving advice to one of her managers at P3 or telling someone how to deal with a really ugly date. Phoebe fiddles on her laptop and casts a jaundiced eye at the camcorder in Piper's hand. No fear, Phoebe, Piper's not interested in filming your craggy ass; she just wants to capture herself on tape as she sets the table. See, it's all for Dolt because, as Piper explains, "Well, when you go away on a long trip, it's the little things you miss." Can't you just see it? Dolt returns from his deepfreeze and the first thing he does is not spend time with Piper or the kids, oh, no -- he pops himself some popcorn and watches home movies of Piper doing laundry, setting the table, sleeping, and god knows what else. However, because I do love Piper, I find it sorta sweet. Phoebe reminds Piper that Dolt is not exactly on a long trip. Just shut it, hag; if it helps Piper to deal with Han Dolto by thinking of him being on a long trip, let her. Piper tells Phoebe to act natural for the camera but, because that's too much to expect of her dramatic younger sister, Phoebe attempts to beat a hasty retreat upstairs after first admitting that she has writer's block. Boring. "Ask Phoebe" got some dippy letter from a twin who doesn't know if she can open up to her boyfriend because she's already so close to her twin brother/roommate. I'm only stating that because apparently it's going to Mean Something at the end of the episode, but I'll tell you right now that while it may Mean Something at the end of the episode, it also Doesn't Make Sense at the end of the episode. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Phoebe complains some more through her curtains of hair, which is done in a style that actually looks quite nice on her even if, as my friend observed, she looks very much like Susan Mayer now. Well, they're both bony and annoying...Over in an office building, the Retard meets with her Mucky Muck, who looks like he should be cast in a particularly skinful movie on Cinemax. As a greasy car salesman. ["Or a bad actor. When your wooden line delivery stands out on Charmed, it's time to think about learning to type." -- Sars] Mucky Muck has listened to her sob story about the Milk Carton, but doesn't really know how he can help her. The Retard babbles on and hands over the enchanted paper to Mucky Muck. The paper flares orange where Mucky Muck's fingers touch the paper. Okay, so is the Retard the only one who can see that, or could Mucky Muck have seen it as well? It seems like a rather insecure test, if you ask me. Another suit bursts in the room and with no preamble shouts, "Just so we're clear, you are not taking this company public, you hear?" Mucky Muck tries to get "Grant" to go away, but Grant keeps on with the corporate-speak, and the only important thing to take away from it is that Grant and Mucky Muck are cousins and Grant is the chairman. Do you think he bites into bell peppers before screaming, "Allez Cuisine!"? I do. Grant threatens to crush his cousin if he tries a "power play" the next day, and storms out as blusteringly as he stormed in. Mucky Muck apologizes for his cousin, but having got what she wanted, the Retard grabs the paper back and galumphs out. Mucky Muck smiles and sits down, saying, "She's a witch, isn't she?" A middle-aged redhead -- who thinks she's going to Sgt. Pepper's funeral what with the double-breasted Nehru jacket-thing with two vertical rows of very large buttons she's sporting -- wavers in and tells him that he's learned his lessons well. Sgt. Pepper expositions that Mucky Muck is about to take over "one of the country's most powerful companies" and he can't risk exposure by the Retard. As Sgt. Pepper straightens his tie, Mucky Muck asks, "Can you handle her?" If Sgt. Pepper was able to switch him at birth and put him in position to take great power, she can handle "one little witch." Personally, I think this whole "corporate America is evil" shtick is just to distract us from the fact that it's actually Hollywood that's evil. Specifically, the WB and Kern as the new Source. Although, in his case, he's not the Source of all Evil, he's the Source of all Suckage.
Episode Report Card863 USERS: C
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