The chick on the other line -- I don't remember seeing her before; she's not Phoebe's Non-Mary Cherry assistant, so is she Elise's assistant? -- asks if the column is done yet. It's not, and Phoebe doesn't understand why she's having so much trouble given how close she is with her own sisters. Just then, the Dead-Eyed Psycho gallops into the room dressed like a satanic cowboy and romping on a hobbyhorse. He's smiling broadly, which is even creepier than his blank stares. After the Psycho romps through the room, we can hear some pig-like squeals, which means either the hobbyhorse has a species-confused audio thing attached to it, or the Psycho just turned the living room into an abattoir. Piper smiles down on her horse-slaughtering child, and Phoebe, who presses the phone harder into her ear, thinks maybe she's too close to her sisters at this point. Oh, joy -- we're going down this road again, are we? As Piper gets the Psycho's bloody rampage on camera, Phoebe hangs up the phone and acts all affronted by the noise. Hey, bitch? You got a room, right? So, why the hell don't you go up there to get away from all the noise? Honestly, I think the writer's WANT us to hate Phoebe and her self-centered, complaining, Cooter Tat ways. As the pig-horse squeals-neighs a few last dying times, Phoebe snaps her laptop closed and martyrs that she'll just go upstairs. Damn right you will, and stop acting like it's such a big fucking imposition! Hell, you've also got an office across town! However, I do find it odd that Piper's not currently vacuuming, yet she's left the machine on this whole time. Piper asks Phoebe if she can help her get the house ready for the GUESTS PHOEBE INVITED, but Phoebe complains that dinner isn't for another four hours. She didn't ask you to help cook, she asked you to help get the house ready -- like clean and stuff. I just hate her so much. Phoebe finally asks if Piper is okay, because her cleaning jags are usually a sign of some mental distress. Piper waves this off as the doorbell rings. It's the Retard, with Ma and Pa Retard, who have come four hours early to dinner because they decided just to drive by the campus rather than touring it. The Retard pulls all sorts of faces as she begs to be let in. Dinner is awkward, which isn't that surprising given that they all seem to have food on their plates, yet the beautifully browned prop chicken is sitting there all uncarved and untouched. Everyone hems and haws and clears their throats in an attempt to find something to say. Phoebe drinks deep from her bowl of wine. Finally, the Retard comes up with, "You know, Phoebe over here is actually 'Ask Phoebe,' the advice columnist from The Bay Mirror." And her parents would care about this why? They flew in from somewhere, which means they don't live in the Bay Area, so basically they don't know Phoebe from a hole in the wall or...just a hole. And we know Phoebe's not syndicated because of that whole tiresome Chronic arc. Ma Retard smiles, impressed, from the round crocheted collar of her American-Gothic-via-Dress-Barn floral print dress, "Really? Wow." "Yep, that's me," Phoebe grins toothily. Piper not-so-subtly hikes her head to the right to encourage Phoebe to keep talking about herself. Easily done, I'm sure. Phoebe starts to say that she's working on a really interesting question from one of her readers. "We don't read advice columns," Pa Retard interrupts. Phoebe gets all shocked and dismayed, but maybe that's because Pa Retard looks to be a good fifteen years younger than Ma. And that gray stuff sprayed on his temples doesn't change that one bit. Piper offers to fill the awkward pause with more wine, which prompts Raige to flit off to her date with Henry. Ignoring Piper's insistent head-shaking, Raige goofs, "And you know if there's anyone you don't want to be late for, that would be a parole officer" before dashing off, which was just so stupid of her. She already knows the climate at the table, and instead of explaining that she's not meeting her parole officer, she just darts off, leaving the Retard and her sisters with the Awkward Couple. Sure enough, Ma Retard is all, parole in the what now? "It's not what you think," the Retard doesn't really explain. Pa Retard snots that she has interesting friends. "Excuse me?" Retard snits back. Sheesh, these people are rude. They eat someone else's food, they don't hold up their side of the conversation like any good guest should, they insult one of their hosts, and they fight with their daughter in front of those hosts.
Episode Report Card863 USERS: C
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