Mr. & Mrs. Witch

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Retard Family Values
My "I'm there for you in the suckiness" Charmed buddy brought over a bottle of Piper Sonoma to ease the pain of this episode. Piper Sonoma. Because we are that cheesy. It's really great, because in addition to getting us nice and anesthetized, it also acts as a lisssssp filter.

As the WB promo cued up the show, the Evil Dr. Mathra laughed and pointed at me, crowing, "You volunteered to recap a show that has fresh episodes!" Yeah, but this is more like an overripe episode with brown spots that will give you diarrhea for days. I know it's been said many times, many ways, but I can't sympathize more with Demian for dealing with the show week after week after endlessly NON-CANCELLED week!

Just so you know, I will be shamelessly falling right in with Demian's nicknames for the Manor Morons (see?) because after years of reading his recaps, they have actually become part of my everyday vocabulary. I shouldn't tell you how many times I mutter "Hag!" under my breath when someone pisses me off.

Previously, the Manor Morons got a heads-up from Death that Dolt was on his to-do list. However, instead of letting him die, the morons hit upon a scheme that only Han Solo'd him for a while. Also, Raige finds a parole officer and starts to lay the groundwork to make him her new slampiece, while Billie the Retarded Blond Bimbo has latent memories of a Freddy Krueger-type scenario in which her sister was kidnapped on Halloween.

We open with the Retarded Bimbo prancing around the attic as she explains to Phoebe (HAG! Oh, sorry, that wasn't meant happen in this scene. It just slipped out because I've been so anxious to use it properly) her latest breakthrough in the search for her milk carton of a sister. I really can't follow the Retard's thought processes here, so I will have to transcribe it word for word in the dim hope that it will somehow make sense that way: "So, here's the thing, I have powers, which means my sister has powers too, so if the demon that took her wanted to use her powers for evil, the only place he could do that is corporate America." But...why? I mean, a demonic corporate America would certainly explain Martha Stewart and Enron, but what's the Retard's reasoning for it being "the only place he could do that"? Why not the current administration? Or Sandra Lee's kitchen? Why am I trying to make sense of a Retard? Meanwhile, I have to say that it speaks VOLUMES for Phoebe's intellect that she just falls in with the Retard's line of reasoning and follows up by asking, "So, you think this is some kind of demonic conspiracy?" The Retard is thrilled that Phoebe gets it, but Phoebe tells her they don't have time for that now, since the Retard's parents are on their way into town and the Retard has to go pick them up. The Retarded Bimbo bitches about her parents and how inviting them out was all Phoebe's interfering idea. Phoebe doesn't think the Retard's parents can be all that bad. "No? My father is a robot, my mother is a wallflower!" the Retard snipes. Okay, but on this show, that could actually be true.

The Retard's biggest beef with her parents is the fact that they haven't talked about the Milk Carton in years. Phoebe tells the Retard to simmer down: "Trust me, a little bit of Piper's food, some nice wine and everyone will be able to relax." Except Piper, who probably doesn't even know that she's making dinner at this point. Because Phoebe is a HAG! The Retard bitches some more about her parents and throws out that they know nothing about magic or witches. Phoebe thinks Retard's parents must be wise to the witchy ways if both the Retard and the Milk Carton have powers, but the Retard sarcastically thinks they were both adopted. The Retard goes back to her demonic corporate America theory and says she's meeting with a "mucky muck" who was once kidnapped as a child, and she's going to find out if he's magical by getting him to touch a piece of enchanted paper. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. Phoebe tells the Retard she can borrow her car, but only if she uses it to pick up her parents. More bitching about the parents, which ends with the Retard whinging, "They are going to suck the life out of this place!" Sort of like what you do to this show? But wait for it -- as she says it, a vase of flowers DIES! Looks like the teenaged witch just got herself a new power, even though IT ISN'T EVEN HER TURN! The Retard makes a confused face and decides the fact that she can cause things to happen just by verbal diarrhea isn't something she needs to tell Phoebe.

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