Mr. & Mrs. Witch

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Retard Family Values

After the commercial break, Ma Retard pulls her knife out of the antique woodwork and cleans off the tip. "Mmm, titanium," she says LICKING HER FINGER, WHICH HAD FLY CARCASS ON IT! She then admires her husband's new gun. "What did you put in their food?" Phoebe whisper-screeches to Piper. Piper opens her eyes wide and snaps, "Food was in the food! Thank you!" "Well then how do you explain this?" Phoebe creels. Hm, let me think -- you all are a bunch of witches to whom crazy-ass magical stuff happens all the freaking time, and yet Phoebe can only see FOOD as the reason for Mr. and Mrs. Wilkes Booth? Maybe if she ATE some every once in awhile she would see that it doesn't actually turn you into hired guns. Piper points the finger at the Retard, reminding all and sundry that she's the one who said "assassins." "It's a figure of speech!" Retard yells back. It is? In what language? Oh, in Retard language. I get it now. The Retard interrupts her parent's canoodlings by venturing, "Mom? Dad?" Ma and Pa Retard don't know who she is and why she thinks they are her parents. You know, I wouldn't own up to it either. Phoebe takes the witches into a corner and tells Pa and Ma Retard to stay where they are and "keep grossing [her] out." Heh. Piper orders Phoebe and the Retard to abuse the Book of Shadows a bit while she keeps an eye on the PDAing couple in her dining room.Up in the attic, the Retard sees the dead flowers and finally cottons on to the fact that she seems to have a new power. Phoebe realizes the Retard now has the power of projection, which lets the witch turn people and things into other things without needing a spell or potion. "It's pretty powerful stuff," Phoebe adds. Retard is still not getting how she suddenly has a new power. Like, join the viewing public, honey. Phoebe ventures a hackneyed explanation: "Well, it kinda makes sense if you think about it -- I mean, you're growing as a witch and our powers are tied to our emotions and you've been suppressing those lately." She has? When? When has there been a point of showing us that the Retard is repressing her emotions? Was it when she was Hippolyta? Because she got pretty angry over that belt for someone who suppresses things. Maybe it was when she cried over the Milk Carton's abduction. Or maybe it was when the writers pulled it out of their collective asses! Cheeses Christ. The Retard reasons that she can turn her parents back, and to prove this, she marches over to the wilted flowers and commands blandly, "Dead flowers. Be alive again." Nothing happens. See, not even flowers find Cuoco believable. Take note, Brad Kern. Phoebe consoles the Retard that new powers take some getting used to, and points out that the Retard isn't in the same emotional state she was when she turned her parents into hit-people. A muffled but clearly incredibly loud muttering calls up to them. "Piper?" they wonder.

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