Mr. & Mrs. Witch

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Retard Family Values

Down in the dining room, Piper -- a witch, with powers, a Charmed one -- has been bound and gagged by Pa and Ma Retard. After she's released, Piper explains that she didn't have a chance to get off a freeze when the Retard's parents jumped her. Piper, who can freeze a FUCKING BULLET, didn't have the chance to freeze two HUMANS?! No. NO! ["And the fact that she does so later in the episode just makes this even more noticeably stupid. It's called 'a line producer,' Charmed. Get one. Hell, get a bunch." -- Sars] Piper says that Pa and Ma Retard took off in search of "some real action." Phoebe, to whom "action" only means what goes on in her pants, asks, "What does that mean?" We all ignore what the Retard says about her parents' bowling night, and Piper says they are in search of an arsenal. Pretty stupid assassins to let that kind of info out.

At P3, Raige searches the crowd for a no-show Henry. Her cell phone rings and Raige puts it up to her ear, sing-songing, "You're late." Oh, but the funny thing is that it's PIPER and not HENRY! Do you see how hysterical that is? Because no one checks ever their cell phone display to see who's calling them before they answer! Are we quite certain Billie is the only one who deserves the sobriquet "Retard"? Piper explains the sitch to Raige as the camera pans over to show the Retard using her Mousetical Crystical laptop magical GPS tracking device. I'll bet you can get that at REI.

Elsewhere in the city, Pa Retard shoots at people while Ma Retard flings more knives. The only exciting thing is that I get to note that Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury land on whoever it is Ma and Pa Retard are attacking and the entire scenelet takes place in a dank and forbidding alleyway. I am such a Demian fangirl. Ma Retard pouts that she's out of ammo but invites her husband to check in all the secret places. Why doesn't she just go and collect the knives she threw? She did it at the manor, she can do it here. Honestly, some people are so RETARDED! Ma and Pa Retard saunter off to get ammo for him and Prada for her. Yeah, I don't know why either.Raige arrives in the attic, and after some preliminary bitching about getting stood up, she asks about the matter at hand. Phoebe holds up a corked stunning potion for the assassins and says after the stun, they'll bring them back to the manor and change them back. Okay, again, because they are dealing with mere HUMANS, the stunning potion seems totally unnecessary, because I would think that if she's prepared for it, Piper could freeze them and then Raige could orb them and then...oh, screw it. They still don't know how to turn them back, and Retard is frustrated with her scrying attempts and self-pities that with her new power, she could just herself into a target so her parents would come after her. I'm ALL for that plan. Piper gives Phoebe the eye that says, "Go soothe the whiny little bitch because I've been through TOO MUCH to deal with that sort of crap." Phoebe soothes Retard's petulance, while Raige asks if she can use the stun potion on Henry. Thankfully, Piper orders them to focus and, after some back and forth about the scryability of magical and/or enchanted persons, the Retard locates her parents. Phoebe tries to hand over the stun potions to Piper, who balks and says she can't leave the boys. Phoebe offers to stay with them, but Piper refuses. And we're going down THAT road again. What is the point of paying for a new season if it's going to be just retreads of old storylines? Why am I asking a question that you all have asked hundreds of times? Piper doesn't look any of them in the eye as the three link hands and orb out.

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