Ms. Hellfire

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Ms. Hellfire

The Reptile Room bar. Also a much cooler nightclub than the P3AD. Cut to the dance floor. In slow motion film they’ve had left over at the WB since Keri Russell cut her billowing tresses, La Femme Brinda cuts a wide swath through the crowd. If you missed the episode or the promos, the only way I can describe the outfit is for y’all to try to imagine Cruella DeVille held captive as Jabba the Hutt’s concubine. LFB’s wearing a black overcoat with a wide thick white fur collar and cuffs, thrown over a black bra. Around her neck is a dog collar, from which a long feathered roach clip dangles. On her head isn’t Frenchie’s pink wig (although she is wearing Sandy’s tight leather "tell me about it, stud" pants) but a four-foot-long fake ponytail that came from the scalp of Crystal Gayle, or perhaps even an actual pony. Bane walks up to her and tells her that she "looks like she’s ready to celebrate." Yeah, her Soul Train Award. Bane asks if the Halliwells are dead. LFB tells him that the "night is young" and they "have business to discuss." She then asks him when she’ll get paid. Excuse me, but wouldn’t the real Ms. Hellfire have found this out before she killed nine people? LFB goes on about how Barabas might disappear before she sees her money. Bane says she can trust Barabas. LFB wants to meet with him. Bane leads her out to the dance floor instead. They writhe and dirty-dance and neck. DJ interrupts them to talk to Bane. LFB says she’ll just "amuse herself." There, in the middle of the dance floor in those spackled-on pants? Save it for the NC-17 Director’s Cut, Shannen. LFB decides to grab a random extra and dry-hump him instead. DJ tells Bane that Ms. Hellfire’s in the morgue and La Femme Brinda is a fraud. Ruh roh!

Halliwell Manor. Piper tries to call Prue on her cell phone but there’s no answer. M. Steadwell prances around the parlor with incense as Phoebe tries to contain her and Piper glares at her. The docile Ps are all about patronizing this "innocent" instead of protecting her, although her chant, "Send from our sister moon your protective beams/Give all who dwell within this spell safe days and sweet dreams" isn’t any less Hallmark Moment than any of the drivel in their Book of Shadows. Alyssa Milano, calling for a pot-kettle summit: "Who knew that perky could be so annoying?" Piper concurs and freezes M. Steadwell. The doorbell rings. Phoebe thinks that it might be Prue. Piper reminds Pheebs that Prue has a key. Phoebe thinks maybe Prue lost her key. Piper rolls her eyes, because her sister is a moron. She (natch) answers the door. It’s Dan with plywood for the windows. Piper shoos him over to the other room. M. Steadwell is unfrozen. Phoebe suggests that she "smudge" the second floor, and patronizingly calls M. Steadwell "honey" while she shoves her upstairs with her. Dan and Piper blather some more about his offer for her to shack up with him. They neck.

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