Muse To My Ears

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | Grade It Now!
An episode that will live in infamy.

Manor sun porch. Cole paces in impotent frustration as the Dolt sits with his head in his hands, concentrating on something. "I don't know how you do it," Cole says. "How do you sit by and do nothing while your wife's life is in danger?" The Dolt, his patience strained to snapping, tells Cole to shut up. "I need to concentrate," he snits. "On the floorboards?" Cole asks. Snorf. No, the Dolt asserts. He needs to listen for a call should the Ps require his assistance. Cole paces a bit more, then stops abruptly: "It's a trap." Cole believes that the Wonderlock has set up a warlock ambush for the sisters. The Dolt does his little scanning-the-ether thing and realizes the gals are not down in Hell but, rather, within the confines of P3. Cole reminds the Dolt that the sisters can't use their powers in a public place, and begs him to orb them both over to the club. The Dolt stares at Cole's crotch and purses his lips.

P3. The Andrews Wannabes have switched to "Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree." Unfortunately, it's not the Andrews Sisters' dyke-adelic version of the lyrics. Various extras try to swing dance with the result being a seething tangle of randomly flailing arms. The gals stride past Bev at the bar, searching for Cocky's posse. Bev grabs Piper's shoulder, startling her into smashing her vial at Bev's feet. Oh, and that "Veronica Lake" thing that Bev was planning for the evening? It took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at "Vegas call-girl 'escort.'" Instead of the sort of sleek bias-cut satin dress with hefty shoulder pads most would associate with the actress due to her famous Life magazine cover, Bev's wearing this low-cut, sleeveless sequined thing with elbow-length black gloves and a feathered boa. Trashy, yes, but at least she seems to be having fun. When the potion explodes at her feet, Bev hoots a bit before assuming that the "fireworks" display is part of the club's overall theme package. As Bev effusively praises Piper for her party's success, Piper latches onto the fireworks idea and pronounces Bev a "genius." She drags Raige and Phoebe away to fill them in on her plan. The club's strobe lights, if activated, should work like the Blink Away "on a grand scale." Piper will switch on the strobes and freeze the innocents. Anyone left moving is a warlock, and Phoebe and Raige should "feel free to vanquish them." Raige grimaces uneasily at the whole idea, but goes along with it.

Piper flicks a couple of switches behind the bar, and the "strobes" kick in just as the Andrews Wannabes hit the line in the song about the stars getting in your eyes. The "strobes" are set on a ridiculously slow cycle, but I suppose Kern et al. didn't want to risk hurling any Ritalin-scarfing prepubescents into epileptic seizures. In various corners of the nightclub, warlocks grimace and wince and squint against the pain the "strobes" elicit. Real World Rachel now looks like Gloria Grahame as Violet Bick in It's A Wonderful Life with that cunning little feathery hat of hers. Piper freezes the innocent, causing the music to cut out as well. Just in case we thought they might actually be among the dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, the camera cuts to reveal the Andrews Wannabes frozen along with everyone else. Under the flashing of the strobes in the silence of the club, Piper glances around to spot a warlock dressed like Nathan Detroit writhing in agony across the dance floor. She blows up Nathan. Real World Violet tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at Raige. Using her orbing telekinesis, Raige ricochets the FBOD back at Violet, who squeals and blazes on down to Hell. Phoebe spots Eutwerpe -- or is she? -- being dragged through the frozen throng by a goateed brute. The brute shoots something out of his hand at Raige, who's flung to the floor beside the bar. And then we get a continuity error. Phoebe leaps through the air to boot the brute in the head. As he drops, he knocks into a blonde extra standing nearby, jostling her out of her no-doubt carefully-maintained pose. There's a shot of Piper flinging her mojo at him, and when the camera cuts back to show the brute bursting into flame, the blonde extra and her companion have vanished from the brute's side. Oooops. Phoebe grabs "Eutwerpe's" hand to lead her to the bar as Raige rises to her feet. Piper flicks off the "strobes" and announces, "Okay, so who here doesn't want to die?" The various remaining minions blink out. Piper assists the groaning Raige out to the alley behind the club, followed by Phoebe and "Eutwerpe."

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