Charmed
Payback's A Witch

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Revenge of the Retard

Back inside the BANK, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet puts down the phone and tells his hostages that he'll be out of there in twenty minutes. Henry's confused, because the cops never give in that quickly. Raige shrugs, "Maybe they're hoping someone will talk him down." Let's check in with the Retard, shall we? She's messing around with Coty face powder and a pack of cigarettes. Is she trying to conjure Rita Hayworth? At the Manor, Phoebe and Piper watch the news where we all get to learn that the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet is a "decorated ex-Marine," but we still don't know what his jail time was for. Piper doesn't think they should call the Ever Useless Elders because it's not a magical problem, but she also doesn't want to call the party off since this is the most fun the Psycho has had since he slaughtered that horse. They go back downstairs, where the Village People are interrogating guests about the Dolt. Did you hear that? It's that loon call from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly! It's also the beginning of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer," I believe. Piper freaks that "We don't point weapons at the guests!" Question: Why didn't they take the weapons AWAY from the Psycho's Village People, like, a long time ago? "Wow, do these guys know how to put on a show or what?" Phoebe goofs. There's a small bang, and G.I. Joke hollers at everyone to take cover. The kids cover their heads as they imitate an earthquake drill. Piper calms everyone down and reports it was just a balloon. "All right, folks, as you were," G.I. Joke announces, a bit chastened. Piper says she's going to go, and tells Phoebe to stay with the Psycho, "and make sure he turns Pinocchio back into wood." I think wood is exactly what Phoebe was hoping for. Damn, this show puts me in a dirty place! Phoebe watches the Billy the Kidd promise the Psycho that they "ain't gonna give up unteel [they] find heem." The Psycho nods wordlessly. SPEAK, DAMMIT!

At the BANK, the Retard stirs her mixture of broken cigarettes and face powder with an emery board, and Raige convinces Henry to try and talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet again. As Henry goes on and on about the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son, the random hostage continues to eye the backpacked gun. Question: Who carries a gun in a backpack unless they too were planning on robbing a bank? It's just seems to be a very inconvenient place for it. "Wait, excuse me while I take off my backpack, put it on the ground, turn it around, unzip the large pocket, wait, no, it's in another pocket. Yeah, there we are. NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP, MOTHERFUCKER!" I don't think so. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet whimpers about being treated like a pariah since he got back, and since I'm already pissed about that little issue (see previous rant), we'll be moving on to where the random hostage goes for the backpack gun. Raige yells, and in slo-mo, Henry tackles the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet before he can fire at the random hostage, who actually managed to fire first. Everyone screams and hits the floor except for Loan Officer, who comically covers his mouth and does a little pee-pee dance.

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Charmed

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